Your Monthly Horoscope With Dr. Pat Cancer

What have the stars got in store for you this month? Here you’ll find insight and sound predictions on the things that matter, from love, work, family and love work. Pat Cancer is a Dr. of Poultry Science and has two previous dogs. He is a Sagittarius.

Pat Cancer

 


Your Monthly Horoscope With Dr. Pat Cancer ~ May

 

What have the stars got in store for you this month? Here you’ll find insight and sound predictions on the things that matter, from love, work, family and love work. Pat Cancer […]

 

 

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APRIL 2018


Aries (March 21-April 19)

‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’. Though no one knows the exact meaning of this phrase it could prove timely when facing a tricky moral crossroad. Arian youths are sometimes a little guilty of putting themselves first, but this isn’t about winning, it’s about the race.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)

As the days turn milder and spring pokes an inquisitive toe above the ground we can be forgiven for getting a little nostalgic, and if history teaches us anything it’s that we should have studied harder in geography. Luckily, none of this applies to you and absolutely nothing happens this month.


Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Are you a dunker, or a sucker? Do you lick out the centre, or nibble at the sides? Do you like yours naked, or dripping in chocolate? However you hold your pen, be sure to keep one hand free for an overdue cash bonus from work. Maybe you can use the money to buy some more penis?


Cancer (June 21-July 22)

A stroke of luck turns your world around this month. Though nothing seems lucky about the stroke at first, the nurse who helps you remember how to use a spoon awakes a long dormant lust for life and, quite literally, makes you smile again. A fruitful six years ahead.


Leo (July 23-August 22)

Did you ever throw a coin into a fountain, or make a wish on a shooting star? Did you ever step into the road to avoid a ladder, or carry a rabbit’s foot around your neck? All these and more are put in the spotlight when you are detained under section 2 of the Mental Health Act.


Virgo (August 23-September 22)

With Mercury in utero you may be feeling significantly under the weather at the start of the month. Drink plenty of liquids, keep exercise to a minimum and things should pick up around 2.30 pm on the 17th when a mystery unravels during Catchphrase.


Libra (September 23-October 22)

This is a month of difficult decisions for all Librarians. If choices seem limited at times, keep your eyes on what counts. You may worry about treading on other people’s feelings, but don’t. Now is your time and your time alone. You and everyone else born this month.


Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Scorpio’s colours are deep red, light black and beef brown. Look for these colours to help inform where your life is heading. No Scorpios are colour-blind, or remotely inhibited in any known way, but this doesn’t stop them making devastating judgements that can ruin lives.


Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

‘In olden days a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking, now heaven knows… anything goes!’ Well, not quite. Be mindful of existing laws surrounding discrimination based on gender, sexual misconduct and intellectual property. “Anything Goes” © 1934 Cole Porter


Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

With Orion’s belt tightening later in the month it may feel as if the planets have all been snorting the ganja, but don’t be fooled. There is a greater plan at play. When new opportunities arise, embrace them. Even seemingly innocuous invitations like a trip to the cinema or a Cantonese banquet.


Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)

There’s something you want to get off your chest. Something you are ashamed of. Usually you would confide in your better half, but this is deep. Will they change how they feel about you when they hear the truth? Are you fundamentally untrustworthy and unlovable? You certainly are starting to sound like an awful person.


Pisces (February 19 to March 20)

With your birthday looming you struggle to commit to a theme for your party. You get plenty of suggestions from your friends, but none of them can agree on what it should be. The invitations need sending and you just can’t make up your mind! Eventually you settle on Gangsters and Flappers, but God has other plans.


Dr. Pat Cancer for Pf Magazine 


MARCH 2018


astrology-signs-163520_640Aries (March 21-April 19)

Forgotten rivalries rear their head this month when a conversation with old friends leaves you feeling defeated, but change and moisture are in the air. Be open to an invitation out of the blue. Avoid elevated platforms and don’t play the lottery.


 Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Make peace with your instincts this month. Trust yourself, but be wary of those who seek to influence your decisions, particularly in the romantic arena. An unexpected encounter with Ashton Kutcher leads to bankruptcy.


 Gemini (May 21-June 20)

It might feel like recently you’ve been spreading yourself thin. There aren’t enough hours in the day and your closest relationships are beginning to suffer. You want to make time for loved ones, but isolation and demand for your attention in the workplace are making a happy social life seem unreachable. This continues.


 Cancer (June 21-July 22)

With the moon in space this month you could be forgiven for thinking that nothing you do is good enough, but change is coming. Try and remain open to chance. Reconnecting with the past may be the answer to the bind you are in. This month’s lucky temperatures are 3, 7 and 250 degrees Celsius.


 Leo (July 23-August 22)

Luck be a lady this month! If ever there was a time to book that holiday, buy that dress, or cheat a multibuy offer at the self-serve machine, it’s now! Passion and spontaneity lead to fun times and a devastating compound fracture.


 Virgo (August 23-September 22)

You are about to find yourself between a rock and a hard place. A long wait for emergency services offers time to ponder the merits of open university. You shall meet a man named Gavin Honduras.


 Libra (September 23-October 22)

On Monday you find yourself as a last minute stand-in, catering for a cousin’s wedding. You hardly know the girl, having not seen her since 2002. Come to think of it, you weren’t even invited to the wedding… but rewards come in small packages – specifically, regular anonymous missives containing radical propaganda.


 Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

This month, things that would usually phase you are taken in your stride. An economic disaster, a gloomy weather outlook, tension between powerful nations and a family crisis. Your focus remains on coming through that coma.


Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

A total eclipse sends you to bed early on Tuesday, resulting in a week of missed meetings, inappropriately late visits from the neighbours, odd cravings for cereal and a baffling inability to get to the shops on time. Fridge empty. Job in jeopardy.


 Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

This is the month to give up old habits. What has worked for you in the past won’t necessarily help with incoming problems. Be open to new ideas, new people and an unexpected offer for travel. A brewery tour figures heavily at the weekend.


Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)

Feeling strong, attractive and exuberant means romance is on the cards for all Aquarians. Without exception, every married, single, able bodied or conscious Aquarian shall engage in an explosive sexual encounter.  


 astrology-signs-163520_640Pisces (February 19 to March 20)

If life is like a box of chocolates, an intolerance to dairy ensures you feel the full punishing force of mortal despair this month. Sometimes helping ease another’s burden can lift our own spirits and heal us. Volunteer at a local charity, or feign interest in a friend.


Dr. Pat Cancer for Pf Magazine

 

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