Categories
humour

GoFundMe Replaces The Bank Of Mum And Dad

When Mum and Dad said no to buying that expensive pair of trainers ‘everyone at school’ had, one young man took matters into his own hands.

“I was really surprised when my eldest started buying the local paper, I didn’t even know he could read, to be honest.” His mum told us.

“I was relieved at first, stopped him bleedin’ naggin’ me for stuff all the time, his head was always in a paper of some kind.”

Terry, 17, from Kent, was the first in the family to show any real initiative. He scoured the news items and obituaries for credible sources, enabling him to set up fundraising pages with countless sob stories.

“I saw on my Facebook feed that someone was asking for money cos someone couldn’t pay for the funeral of their dog. I couldn’t believe how many people clicked on the sad face and started giving money.”

Terry began to make up stories to go with the things he read in the news. He would say they were friends or relatives, and the money started flooding in.

“I had to set up loads of new accounts, at one point I think I had about 30.”

When we asked him if he felt bad about tricking people like this, he told us;

“Nah. They give what they can afford innit. I learned about it in school, it’s Communism.”

Terry’s parents are so proud of his entrepreneurial skills, and are thrilled with the caravan he bought them in Leysdown-on-Sea.

His mum’s final words? “ If there were more kids like Terry the world would be a better place. I have ten more like him to pay their own way from now on.”

 

Lisa Ives for Pf Magazine


 

Categories
Horoscope

Your Monthly Horoscope With Dr. Pat Cancer ~ July

Pat Cancer

 

Aries (March 21-April 19)

As Olivia Newton-John sang in the 1978 movie of the same name, “Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yippity dip de doom“. Just harmless fun, you may think. Yes, to the less attentive listener. But dig deeper and you’ll see all words lead to DOOM. Be wary this July when a touring musical rides into town, possibly carrying explosives.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Somewhere in the wild sands of the Sahara a man proposes to his girlfriend as a young woman in Bali first glimpses the face of her true love. At the same time by a fountain in Savannah old friends reunite and recall childhood summers, just as you enter Superdrug in York and find that they have Nivea face cream on offer.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

If every picture told a story books wouldn’t need covers, and covers wouldn’t need books. So when people say don’t judge a book by the cover, they really mean you shouldn’t judge one story by another. So, if you decide to cheat on your partner this month and the relationship ends, twist it however you wish… guilt free.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You had been feeling inspired recently, but your creativity has just hit a rough patch – the opposite of a smooth patch. Your energy is low, and you crave relaxation. We all need a breather sometimes, but you’re positively dozing. As I write this I have no expectation of you even reading it, you absolute waste of space.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

A friend of yours, who shall remain nameless, came up to me on Thursday night and said you’ve been considering a big change recently. Something involving volcanic rock and dwarf tinnitus. I’ve no idea what to make of this or which of ‘you’ he/she was referring to but she/he was emphatic that you’d know who you are.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Unless you’ve been living under a rock you’ll have noticed how stiflingly it has been in the United Kingdom recently – though living under a rock is probably no walk in the park. In any case, Virgos are notoriously sun- shy and most at risk from summer blues. Buy a Christmas tree and place fridge magnets on your radiators.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

With your ruling planet Venus keeping a fair distance this month it may be wise to look closer to home for guidance. The stars are usually our most valuable asset in forecasting when there is something in the water, but often we can use common sense too. A hosepipe ban is sure to be here soon: buy plenty of hosepipes.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

It’s been a long time coming, but the day is finally here – a promotion at work! Your pay rise leads to instant domestic bliss. Holidays are booked, the kids spoiled, and old skeletons shut in the closet or swept under the rug. However, an unscheduled visit from a rug salesman uncovers your ten year reign of merciless killings.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Somewhere around the middle of the month you shall get caught in a digger.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Capricorn, the tenth sign of the zodiac, represents the tenth stage of human evolution. Capricks yearn for control by virtue of authority, which comes from rules and regulations. Sadly, they are often guilty of over enforcing rules they themselves do not follow or question and are usually in charge of small, regional Tescos.

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)

Stop hanging around in the same crowd. Stop visiting the same bar. Stop hearing the same conversations from the same people. Stop wearing those old tops. Stop trying to be funny. Stop thinking everything will be ok. Stop waving to your blind neighbour. Stop doing things just because someone else says you should.

Pisces (February 19 to March 20)

Appearances can deceive. Some fruits should not be eaten. Always be careful not to leave your spare house key under a hedgehog, and did you know the correct name for monkey nuts is in fact monkey ‘testicles’? Anyway, exercise caution when taking your niece to collect that ‘cute pocket rabbit’ you bought her on ebay.

Dr. Pat Cancer for Pf Magazine


 

Categories
women

Five Age Defying Looks

As a woman, it’s important to retain one’s youth in order to adhere to society’s vision of beauty. For housewives living on a Waitrose budget, surgery may be a suitable option to nip and tuck your nasty bits. However, those living on a Lidl budget may have to seek alternative solutions.

Before reaching for the stapler for a DIY face-lift, you may wish to consider these five foolproof age-defying looks that will shock your friends and family, and not your accountant.

 

The Yummy Mummy

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Using good quality bandages, simply wrap your torso, extremities, and visage to protect the eyes of the public from your already worn, wrinkling skin.

If you use a particularly strong fabric, you can also fake that hourglass figure of your dreams. Simply breathe in, tie the bandages as tightly as possible, and refrain from both food and drink for the rest of the day to minimise the risk of unravelling.

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Pro-tip: when covering the face, make sure to leave holes for the eyes, nose and mouth. While you may wish to hide these problem areas, as they are prone to developing lines, you will still need an ample supply of oxygen to get through the day.

 

The Pleasant Peasant

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People in the Middle Ages were not blessed with longevity, and this look is perfect for fooling others into believing that you are under the age of thirty.

While the humble potato sack is often disregarded, it is a key component of this age-defying look. Hessian is a fabulous, breathable material that is suitable for all weather conditions, as well as being durable for those with active lifestyles. It is easy to source unused burlap sacks, however purchasing a full potato sack to adapt into a dress provides an ample supply of spuds for homemade chips and vodka for carbilicious martinis.

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Pro-tip: for a truly authentic look, apply mud to the face to distract from unsightly crows’ feet and sunspots; using a clay-based mud will also help to absorb any excess sebum and detoxify the skin.  

 

The Beautiful Baby

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Curious Cases aside, elderly infants are hard to come by. Those truly committed to this look will also enjoy the freedom that comes with wearing a nappy; this look is therefore perfect for festivals and concerts, where the queue for the ladies’ is torturously long after one too many pints of lukewarm Snakebite.

The classic romper also gives you the liberty to sit legs akimbo, and is conveniently designed with pockets. You may be unfamiliar with a pocket, as it is not a common feature in traditional Women’s Fashion; this is because babies have more use for them than women do: baby rompers necessitate pockets for Lego, snacks, and worms.

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Pro-tip: to achieve perfectly rouged cheeks, allow strangers to pinch your chubby cheeks. Alternatively, consuming around five large glasses of chilled white wine within an afternoon can help to achieve that gorgeous glow.   

 

The Winsome Wizard

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Adopting this look will not only provide a little freedom for your schedule, as wizards are not bound to the restraints of appointment-keeping, but it is one of the best looks for keeping people guessing regarding your age, as it is a truly timeless mode of fashion.

While the cloak will hide your unsightly frame in style, the oversized hat will distract the eye from your fine lines and wrinkles. The bigger the hat, the slimmer the frame; it truly is magical!

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Pro-tip: you can “cheat” this look with a fake beard, however, those truly committed may wish to attempt growing out their own facial hair, although wiry whiskers may be a little too sparse to achieve desired results.

 

The Gorgeous Ghoul

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This look is simple, yet effective. Not only will it keep people guessing regarding your age, but it will hide any lumps and bumps and give you the freedom to enjoy an All You Can Eat Buffet without needing to undo a notch or two on your trousers.

For a more summery look, you can always use a floral bed sheet; however, a plain white sheet is perfect for any occasion.

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Pro-tip: for the perfect, ghoulish smoky eye, apply a thick layer of pure charcoal around the eyes. This will also help to diminish the appearance of laughter lines, as you can fill in the creases with layers and layers of kohl to create a smooth look.

 

Bonus: The Handsome Hermit

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If the above styles seem a little intimidating, then you may wish to try this truly effortless look, which is perfect for beauty beginners. Simply draw the curtains, remove or cover all reflective glass in your house, and never leave again!

This is a stylish look all-year round, and is customisable with your own choice of dressing gown and endless snacks.  

Go on, girls: keep ‘em guessing!

 

Megan Barnett for Pf Magazine

Illustrations Megan Barnett

(subject to copyright)

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Categories
Horoscope

Your Monthly Horoscope With Dr. Pat Cancer ~ June

Aries (March 21-April 19)

We all have that one friend. They don’t text back, they turn up late, or they steal from you. That one buddy who drags you through hell as they blackmail you with your most damaging secrets. Yet, for some reason we can forgive them everything, even aggressive assault with a deadly weapon. Keep being that friend, Aries.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

There is an old saying: “Come June, the birds know where the biscuits are”. And how true that is. As summer sneaks in take time to stop and enjoy your surroundings. Nature, animals, loved ones. Be grateful you’re not in a colder climate, or stuck in a conversation at a party being forced to admit that you made that saying up.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Doctors are often called upon to give bad news. Gemini know this only too well, with 90-95% of you working in the medical profession. It can take a toll on your emotions, not to mention your time. So I have formulated a useful device to impart bad news en masse: Later this month 5-10% of you shall remain in your current job.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Your focus on material possessions has begun to overtake your investment in those around you. The line between living things and material commodities begins to blur mid-June. Things reach a peak when you attempt to grill a toaster within a loaf of bread, then wear a Lasagne to a restaurant and eat your waiter.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

With Mercury Rising on TV later this month you decide to treat yourself to a bottle of cider and a night alone in the park. Memories of happier times with a long departed friend come rushing back. You trace childhood steps down to the old river and that small incline where you pushed the insufferable cow to her watery grave.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

You may not think you have magical powers, and you are right. It is time to get serious and put away infantile notions of make-believe and superstition. As an earth sign you must put two feet firmly on the ground because Thursday proves that the here and now can do more for you than some short, vague prediction.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

June is a great month for Librarians to get out of their stuffy hell boxes and meet new people. Who knows, this could be the month where that new girlfriend or boyfriend walks into your life. Or if you’re already in a relationship, maybe a new boyfriend or girlfriend for your other half. Keep an open mind. Cheer up… Christ.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Hello David, I’m sorry I missed your call. I am writing my monthly horoscope at the moment and it needs my full attention. I shall return your call when I have submitted this awful bloody mess to the editor. They work me so hard for so little. I haven’t forgotten about our plan for the badger cull, but everything is on hold until I

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

The key to a good marriage is compromise. If your partner does not agree with this you may be questioning his or her motives. Does he or she really want to share their or there world with you? Are them or they being as giving as you or I need them, or they to be? Talk it through. See what each one or another’s motives our.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Remember your first ice-cream? Your first pony ride? The fresh thrill of a trip to the cinema, or learning that the two names “Ottoman Empire” and “Turkey” were once used interchangeably in Western Europe? There’s nothing quite like the first time. So, take up that picnic offer, accept the diagnosis, and say yes to the dress!

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)

Mick Hucknall sang “money money money money”, cleverly building on the sentiment of Benny Andersson and Björn Ulvaeus when they sang “money money money”, itself a simplified retelling of Kander and Ebb’s “money money money money money money money money money money.” All songs to avoid this month.

Pisces (February 19 to March 20)

A sad reality of a long life, aside from the pitiful degradation of our basic senses, is to see our nearest and dearest shuffle off this mortal foil before us. But, worry not, it seems Pisces have nothing to fear this month. Indeed, June promises to be full of new beginnings. New life? New adventures? Death can wait until July.

Dr. Pat Cancer for Pf Magazine


 

Categories
humour

It’s The End Of The Season As We Know It ~ And I Feel Fine.

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This time of year brings us a week’s worth of sunshine in April, where we all go insane and burn ourselves on Brighton beach and then moan about the dip in temperature a week later when we get nothing but sodding rain, and it’s not even proper – the world is going to end – rain…it’s drizzle; lots of it. We get a heat wave the tabloids lap up like a thirsty little kitty and then use as an excuse to feature two pages of beautiful people with very little in the way of clothes on them. God bless ‘em.

We have a selection of bank holidays, which us Brits fill with binge drinking, the likes of which the planet has never seen.

Blossom is on the trees, birds fill the air with their chorus of annoyingly chipper tweets (not them) and chirps. Something is just around the corner. It’s almost in reach, the anticipation for it is tangible. It is the end of one cycle, and the beginning of another. For some, it is joyous and liberating and filled with love and laughter. For others, it transforms their days into never-ending marathons of boredom and unfulfillment. Dare I say it, it’s life-affirming (ugh).

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, but mostly ladies, to the end of the soccer, I mean football season. Sky Sports is dead, long live the summer. Blow those trumpets, organise a street party and invite the entire street. Apart from the Sommervilles at No.26. Nobody likes them. Show-offs. ‘Oooh, look at our Tesla’, and ‘yes, he is a rare breed, I think he’s half Alsatian, half Tibetan unicorn.’

Forget the Sommervilles. We are now entering the great British In-between. A glorious annual event that needs to be celebrated (by most) and enjoyed. Just like the average man’s libido, it does not hang around for long. It is the briefest of things, do more than whisper its arrival, and it vanishes into the ether. It’s like a holiday fling on a cheap, Greek island. It consumes you, and envelopes you in a false sense or forever and ultimately ends. You try to phone it, only to find that you have been given the wrong number.

No more keeping your friends at arm’s length, no more arranging your social activities around the bastard football. We are free, we are many…let’s ‘ave it. Get him indoors to fish out the barbecue from the shed. This wonderful food-burning contraption has been the domain of men since before the Crusades. Let him be a man. Invite your friends round for a proper knees-up in the great British sun. Raise those plastic glasses from Sainsbury’s and consume Pimm’s, even though you don’t like it; it’s the law.

Saturdays are transformed. They are a blank canvass and we are…Prosecco? I meant Picasso. Take your brush and paint. Take your man by the hand and frolic in the meadows and feed ducks along the river. Whisper sweet nothings in each other’s ears and fill the warm, British air with l’amour.

Screw that. Beer gardens are a thing now. The sun is out, so every landlord/lady with a patch of grass out back has been to B&Q, hidden the bins under some tarp and created a haven for us summer drinkers. We are the flies to their…poo? Your fella is almost charming now and exudes a positive glow, unshackled by the devil that is Sky Sports. It’s like dating all over again. Download the don’teventhinkaboutsport.exe and watch him go. He dares not entertain the cricket, as this can seriously dent his pub cred and you find this only marginally less tedious than Ant & Dec. The world is yours once again. Hoorah.

It’s a season where you need not worry about erratic mood swings and juvenile sulks. He might even be romantic and bring you back a steak bake from Greggs (I said might) and an Irn Bru to wash it down with. But you won’t hear,

“Sorry babe, United are at home.”

Or

“Me and the lads are watching the game, didn’t I text you?”

No more of that, sonny Jim. For the next several weeks/months, you will devote all your time and attention to me, and not some mono-syllabic, balding presenter on TV. I am your Goddess and you will obey me…or something like that. Seriously, I’m not a ball-breaker, but if you don’t…

Picnics. Walks (yes walks) in the sunshine. Trips to the coast. All these are possibilities now, you just need to reach out and grab them.

This mini summer within a summer is yours for the taking; you deserve it. It’s a respite from the male machine, it’s your ticket outta here. Where? Anywhere! It’s a chance to get him to paint the bloody bathroom. Use it.

A word of warning though ladies, especially in this year of turmoil and upset. We know that these times are fleeting and we must squeeze every drop from the soggy flannel of life. But this year our time with this little beauty is even shorter.  

Why?

Because it’s bloody World Cup year.

Bastard football.

Jason Moody for Pf Magazine


Jason Moody

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Lazy sod. Husband. Writer. Brentford FC fan.

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