Categories
humour

GoFundMe Replaces The Bank Of Mum And Dad

When Mum and Dad said no to buying that expensive pair of trainers ‘everyone at school’ had, one young man took matters into his own hands.

“I was really surprised when my eldest started buying the local paper, I didn’t even know he could read, to be honest.” His mum told us.

“I was relieved at first, stopped him bleedin’ naggin’ me for stuff all the time, his head was always in a paper of some kind.”

Terry, 17, from Kent, was the first in the family to show any real initiative. He scoured the news items and obituaries for credible sources, enabling him to set up fundraising pages with countless sob stories.

“I saw on my Facebook feed that someone was asking for money cos someone couldn’t pay for the funeral of their dog. I couldn’t believe how many people clicked on the sad face and started giving money.”

Terry began to make up stories to go with the things he read in the news. He would say they were friends or relatives, and the money started flooding in.

“I had to set up loads of new accounts, at one point I think I had about 30.”

When we asked him if he felt bad about tricking people like this, he told us;

“Nah. They give what they can afford innit. I learned about it in school, it’s Communism.”

Terry’s parents are so proud of his entrepreneurial skills, and are thrilled with the caravan he bought them in Leysdown-on-Sea.

His mum’s final words? “ If there were more kids like Terry the world would be a better place. I have ten more like him to pay their own way from now on.”

 

Lisa Ives for Pf Magazine


 

Categories
Dog Blog

Charlie The Rescue ~ Blog

When my owner (not calling her mum) said she was going to start blogging as me, all I could do was bark. Sadly she told me to stop barking and hit the computer keys. I’m a dog, I can’t type and I certainly can’t communicate much more than, ‘I need a shit’ and ‘feed me’. Yes, there are times she thinks I’m ‘asking’ for a cuddle, but really I need an itch scratching I can’t reach, or I have a bit of dry poop stuck to the fur around my back bottom.

You know when your dog closes its eyes while you stroke it and talk in a silly voice saying ‘what a good doggy you are’ – and you’re like, ‘oh look, she’s loving it’. Truth is we’re closing our eyes and taking ourselves to a safe place, drowning out that silly high pitched baby voice that is making our ears bleed.

My owner came at me with a bandana once, what!? I’m not a cowboy, I’m a dog. I have concerns that now the weather is getting a bit cooler she might start dressing me up in silly coats. I know she likes tartan but everyone already thinks I’m a boy. Doesn’t help my cause that I cock my leg to pee. I have a dodgy back knee, don’t judge me.

I get praised for my ability to stand nicely on my lead while waiting for the humans to stop chatting. It’s always nice to get praise but to be honest I’m usually just bored stiff, literally. The drivel they come out with. It’s worse when we meet people with dogs, we just circle each other and sniff bums, and she tells the same story over and over again. Each time it gets that little bit longer and more embellished. When she says she rescued me the reaction is equivalent to suggesting she ran into a burning building and pulled me out.  She didn’t.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my new home, she’s a complete pushover. I’d go as far as saying she’s a bleeding heart liberal, aka snowflake. There’s a bloke I quite like who turns up almost every day, sometimes I have sleepovers with him as well. He likes to train me ‘properly’. I let him have his ‘moments’, why not, it’s fun to look like I’m attempting to get it right; I know he’s so stubborn he’ll keep going until I do, more treats for me!

 

Charlie

 grunge-paw-print-2-923x1024

 

Categories
Comedy Monologues

The Monologues of Clementine Close~Verity

lisa8

Verity

Here, take a look at these handcuffs, I’ve just bought them from that military shop up Camden way. They’re stronger than the ones I’ve been using; reinforced steel. The others were starting to bend slightly from where Anton had tried to pull the chain out of the wall.

I did tell him that there was no point trying to break-free, see that wall back in the house is made from Iranian Concrete, I researched it specially, it’s the strongest in the world; quartz infused it is.

I’ve got to be honest, he hasn’t taken to being cooped up indoors, which has really surprised me, cus I thought he’d enjoy being out of the public gaze for a bit. Kicked up a right fuss he has.

Course, I hadn’t intended to gag him, well it’s a bit unpleasant, isn’t it? But he was screaming like a banshee, so I had no choice really; granted the basement has no windows but you can never be too careful.

Leaving him to go off to work is always a bit of wrench. He pleads, in his own unique muffled fashion and I like to think it’s because he doesn’t really want me to go, which is nice. But as I told him, ‘needs must, cus the bills won’t pay themselves, will they?’

Besides, I know they’d only try and contact me from the office if I didn’t turn up and I can’t really take the chance of drawing attention to myself. They’re keeping their eyes on all of us see, since he disappeared I mean.

It’s all been a tad traumatic cus we were all interviewed, but thankfully they didn’t seem too interested in me.

In his more sedate moments I like to remove the gag, it gives us a chance to have a proper chat, although to be fair, it’s me that does most of the talking.

He has tried to get me to untie him as well, but as I tried to explain, it’s not that I’m not trusting, in fact, I’d say that’s one of my failings, it’s just I’m not sure I’m ready to give him that freedom just yet – there’s things that need seeing to first.

I wouldn’t dream of leaving him hungry though, so I did him a lovely Lasagne before I left for work today, put it on the tray next to the bed with the pot of Jelly and the bottled water.

I felt a bit guilty about the plastic spoon cus it’s not the easiest of utensils to crack through my cheesy topping and I’ve become extremely conscious of my plastic use, since that program on the TV, but I was a bit concerned he might hurt himself with a metal one.

It must be nigh on five years I’ve been working for the TV station now. Straight out of university it was. I know working on reception isn’t what I’d hoped for, especially as I got a first in media studies and really wanted to be involved in production, but it’s a foot in the door as they say.

Anton was particularly friendly from the off. One of the girls who works on reception with me, Jane, said she thought he had his eye on me right from the start.

Oh, I know the tabloids will have you believe that he’s one for the ladies, but there was definitely a spark between us, holding my gaze just that little bit longer when I handed over his lanyard, that sort of thing.

He once told me that I had eyes like Sophia Loren and that my smile brightened up his day and he never said that to Jane.

Occasionally, as part of my job, I get asked to ferry the stars over to the studio. There’s a company car parked out back and Jane and I take it in turns.

I used to love those intimate moments Anton and I had. Do you know, it got to the point where he started calling me by my name, even asking for me in particular. He used to tell me about his posh dinners out with people from the show. I loved hearing all about it. He even started divulging more intimate stuff about his family and said what a god-send I was when the press dug out those shots of his wife and her new lover, naked and tied to a combine harvester by a disgruntled farmer who found them frolicking amongst his sweetcorn. We’d become really close.

When he broke down in tears and asked me to pull over in that layby on the country road to that shindig he was going to, I could tell how distraught he was. He cried into my hair. He was beside himself with grief and it took me an age to calm him down by rubbing his temples and massaging his neck. I’d been on a course whilst I was at Uni and I think I’d got the knack because he seemed to relax his body into mine and I could hear his breathing settle.

I wasn’t sure what to do when he put his hand on my knee cus at first, I didn’t know if it had just flopped there in his relaxed state, but then when he began to run his fingers along my thigh, hiking up my skirt I started to feel all unnecessary.

This was Anton Delaney, Day-time TV Anton Delaney. The same Anton Delaney that had interviewed Barack Obama by satellite and had his back waxed with one of the Hairy Bikers on live TV.   

I tried to stop him subtly at first, laugh it off if you know what I mean, but he was resolute, aggressive even as I tried to push him off and ask him to stop. He seemed determined he was going to add me to his list of misdemeanours and I could do little to stop him.

It all happened so quickly, so quickly in fact, that I lost my scrunchy, then he thanked me for being so understanding.

He asked for Jane to ferry him about after that.

I probably wouldn’t have had a chance to speak to him again properly if it hadn’t been for that spike strip I bought online. It punctured the tyres on his Merc really efficiently as he drove out on the same road where he’d…

I knew he was driving himself out that way because Jane came down with that weird food poisoning. Everyone thought I had it too cus I took the same day off.

It wasn’t so easy to get the chloroform. Nor was it easy to sneak in the back of his car whilst he got out to check what had happened, but I managed. He struggled a bit at first but the ethyl-alcohol worked much quicker than I’d imagined.

Getting him into the boot of my Mondeo, wasn’t without some difficulty but I popped him in a shopping trolley when I got to mum and dad’s old cottage, which made the short journey to the basement fairly straight-forward.

His room was all prepared, with his favourite magazines and the original handcuffs with the reinforced chain. I’d even put a tv in there so he could watch the ‘stand-in’ they used on his show, although to be fair, the reception wasn’t up to much.

Three days, Dan Sergeant has been presenting Anton’s show now. He’s fit in a treat. Course Anton didn’t seem too happy when I told him, but you have to have a thick skin in this game.

Talking of thick skin, I think he’ll appreciate these new handcuffs cus they’re a bit smoother on the wrist. They’ve got like a padded weave on the inner side, for comfort. I’ve got him a new memory-foam pillow as well cus he says the other one is giving him neck-ache. I don’t know how much use he’ll get out of it mind. What’s more, I can’t imagine what he’ll think when he sees this new chainsaw. It says here, it will cut through branches up to an inch in girth. It wasn’t the most expensive but I’m on a bit of a budget. Still, it should be more than ample to saw through what I’ve got in mind.   

Jules Garvey Welch for Pf Magazine


 

Categories
Online Dating

If Google Translate Took Over Your Online Profile – Dating Over The Age Of 50

woman-2937201_640

Disclaimer

I am writing this for a friend; Any Resemblance to Actual Persons, Living or Dead, is Purely Coincidental

A friend of mine who has recently found herself single after 15 years of marriage is ready to take the next step

For the sake of argument let’s call heranything other than her real name, Liz. Liz is 51 and filled with a truckload of insecurity; this is what her profile would look like if she was brave enough to be honest. After all, they all find out in the end.

 

You?

I am a recently separated 51-year-old mum of 6, almost grown up, children. Yes, I know, I clearly started young; if you really want to know I’ll be a bloody grandma next month.

Physical Characteristics

I have bloodshot green eyes, wiry bleached blonde hair, a saggy tummy and boobs down to my knees, I did a lot of breastfeeding. I’m 5ft 8 inches tall but shrinking a bit now, mainly due to curvature of the spine that in the wrong clothes makes me look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. My wiry hair is starting to come out in handfuls due to my underactive thyroid, but if I do a Trumpian comb-over you’d hardly notice.

Greatest Achievements

Getting through the day without having a number 1 or number 2 accident. This is due to my irritable bowel, and inability to sneeze without letting out a little wee as no-one actually explained what pelvic floor exercises really are. Lying on the floor and raising my legs didn’t cut the mustard. I do have tablets to hold off on the number 2’s but I don’t always remember to take them. I would consider remembering to take my tablets quite an achievement as well, the memory is going a little, I know, too young!

Biggest Fears

See Above

Lifestyle

Since my separation, after the initial shock and clothes shredding spree, I have learned to live my life alone. I threw all the razors in the bin, I am a liberated European woman with more hair under my arms and legs than anywhere else on my body. And I mean anywhere. I enjoy going to bed early and not having to put up with my beer-bellied, unshaven, whisky breathed hubby pawing me. I’m peri-menopausal so not really interested in a physical relationship right now. Not to mention the enormous amount of effort it takes to clench my buttocks (just in case) and fake an orgasm; my COPD can be exacerbated by that kind of fast breathing. I have two different types of inhaler for that, but it’s just not worth the risk, you know.

Career and Financial Solvency

Thanks to my ‘children’ not being ‘children’ I’m not entitled to any maintenance. My lovely little job I did for pin money has now become my main source of income. I am really poor so DSS need not apply.

Looking For?

I’m looking for a man between 35 and 45 with a busy career that keeps him away from home for long periods of time. Tall, dark and handsome, big heart and even bigger wallet. Someone I can flirt with over the phone and on messenger but not have to see too often, The odd meal out, but home to our own abodes. Generous to a fault. Someone who wants to make sure I live comfortably but wants nothing in return.

Whoever said that 50 is the new 40 was having a laugh

Any Takers?

 

Lisa Ives for Pfmagazine


 

Categories
Love Island

Love Island ~ An Urban Dictionary

beach-110786_640

Whilst Love Island stands defiant and continues to start when the football has gone to extra times and penalties, some viewers have stated difficulties in understanding some of the language used within the Villa.

Panic no more! Our most talented translator has agreed to sit down and produce a Love Island dictionary for you, on the condition we give her a cookie and promise to never ask her to do this again.

So, off we go:

Mugged off

Origin: A small ceramic factory in Yorkshire.
Definition: A person will place a hand on their hip, looking like a ceramic mug, and will express that they have been pushed to one side, or they have pushed someone else to the side out of disinterest. Like when a mug of tea goes cold and you push it to one side.
Used in a sentence: “Mate, I’ve mugged her off. Like a mug of tea.”

Vibes

Origin: The musical instrument the Vibraphone
Definition: When you feel that an individual has made a connection with you, like when people hit a percussion instrument and a sound vibration comes from it.
Used in a sentence: “I’m getting some good vibes, like when you stand next to a drum and it goes right through you.”

Grafting

Origin: a builder called Petey from South Lahndahn.
Definition: To consider talking to someone you like as excruciating work that needs a lot of effort.
Used in a sentence: “I have been grafting so hard to get her on a date. I’ve spoke to her twice in one day. ”

Oi oi!

Origin: People in the South of England since the start of the English language.
Definition: A large group of individuals noticing a new human entering the group.
Used in a sentence: *sharp intake of breath*”OI OI!” *moronic laugh*

Like

Origin: Some utter moron that hates punctuation.
Definition: A word used for punctuation, because, apparently, full stops, commas or pro-nouns are too difficult.
Used in a sentence: “Like, I get it, but, like, do you like me? Or, like, is it, like, not a like thing, but, like, something else, like. Like, you know?

I got a text

Origin: Techno overlords
Definition: To loudly announce one has received a digital message on a tech device and then test people’s ability to distinguish the separation of words in one hashtag
Used in a sentence: “ AAAHHHHHH, I GOT A TEEEXXXXXTTT” #TryAndReadThis #ReadingIsHard #PleasePutOnSuncream

Girl code

Origin: All of womankind
Definition: A code that women express a desire to keep to, to protect themselves against undesirables i.e. men that may make them feel bad about themselves and poor bra choices. Sometimes expressed as the term “ovaries before brovaries”
Used in a sentence: “I feel it’s good Girl Code to tell you that your boob is hanging out of your bikini top.”

Not being funny, but…

Origin: The section of humanity that genetically have no sense of humour.
Definition: Descending from the original sentence “I’m not racist, but….” This term is a more palatable way of bracing someone for the offensive remark you are about to make towards them or any other individual.
Used in a sentence: “I mean, not being funny, but…..he’s got the intelligence of a spoon.”

On paper

Origin: Japanese origami experts
Definition: An acting exercise which involves trying to convince people that what you wrote down on your requirements sheet is what you’re looking for, without them realising it’s a bunch of lies.
Used in a sentence: “It’s just, on paper, we should get on, but…I’m really interested in this other guy’s abs and personality of an orange, so….”

For those interested in seeing the most up to date version of the Love Island dictionary, you can search for them via the Love Island hashtag and watching the show with subtitles on. Although, please note, if you are going to do the latter, it is advised that you watch it alongside a Love Island veteran who can translate and provide a full historical background from the past 4 weeks as to what on earth these people are referring to.

Louise Atkinson for Pf Magazine