Speed Dating ~ A Cautionary Tale


Newly single, Josephine Thomas, has been arrested on suspicion of drug dealing after misinterpreting the concept of ‘speed dating’.

Ms. Thomas (formerly Mrs. Kapowski) divorced her husband of 40 years and found herself cast adrift into the world of singledom. After six months of realising multiple cats and orchids were not a substitute for human company, and out of sheer loneliness, Ms. Thomas, after seeing an advert in her local Tesco signed up for OAP speed dating at a local community centre.

However, Police were called after Ms. Thomas began to display rather erratic behaviour and further suspicion was raised when the 66-year- old former dental nurse began to dance on her designated table.

Barry Clements who was present at the event stated, “At first I just thought she was nervous about being back on the dating scene but then she became agitated and excessively talkative. My second thought was that maybe she had Tourette’s Syndrome, but I knew something was amiss when she asked me if I wanted to ‘get on it’ and produced a snap-it bag filled with white powder. I made my excuses and immediately brought it to the attention of the organisers who called in the Police.”

Brian Jones, 68, also present told us, “I thought it’s about time we had a goer turn up, at least she made an effort, unlike some of the frigid old cows here.” Ms. Thomas was arrested following the incident and according to sources spent a night in the cells re-acquainting herself with her childhood hobby of Irish dancing and what appeared to be a new pastime of gurning. She eventually collapsed into a fitful sleep and was released without charge the following morning, due to the mix-up.

Friends of Ms. Thomas, who were going to remain anonymous but decided against it, have expressed surprise at their friend’s behaviour.  June Willis (who specifically asked to be named ‘l’) said that what occurred was very much out of character for her now ex-friend. “I could hardly believe it when I heard, ”  said June. “She did once accidentally leave Boots with a toothbrush she hadn’t paid for and she suffered for days with the guilt which ensued; and I know she once took one too many ginger nuts at the bridge club but she’d been on the cabbage soup diet at the time, and after serious consideration by the committee, at an urgently convened meeting, it was agreed that she had probably done it subconsciously due to low blood sugar levels so we allowed her in again.

It just goes to show you can’t judge a book by its cover, I mean she shops at Marks & Spencer’s and everything”.

Ms. Thomas has not been seen since the incident apart from a trip to the local cat rescue centre where we understand her to have taken on a further 14 cats.

We approached ex-husband, Peter Kapowski, for comment who simply said, “wish she’d done that when we were married, I divorced her out of sheer boredom to be honest. There’s only so many times you can have Shepherd’s Pie on a Tuesday.”

At the time of going to print Josephine and Peter have been on at least two raves and are looking to rekindle their relationship.


Emma Deeley for Pf Magazine


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