Categories
humour

Man Who Thought He Applied For ‘The Island With Bear Grylls’, Accidentally Ends Up On ‘Love Island’.

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“For the first 3 days, I thought I was on The Island With Bear Grylls. People kept talking about a spark they had, and I thought great! They’ve made a fire!”

James Jameson, from Essex, has taken to social media recently to announce that due to being a millennial, and not having an attention span that can last longer than 240 characters, he had misread his application form and realised instead of applying for the survivalist show The Island With Bear Grylls, he had applied, and been successful for, the popular ITV2 show Love Island.

Jameson, 25, had been preparing for several months to go on The Island With Bear Grylls; drinking his own urine and fashioning any disused plastic from the Thames into a pair of shoes, and was utterly devastated to find out he was on the wrong show. However, it has come to light that Jameson spent over 3 days in the Love Island Villa before he noticed he was not on the right show.

“For the first few days I thought it was Bear Grylls’ Island! There are a group of people, all in beachwear, stood around a fire pit and talking in small sentences, so I presumed they were dehydrated and trying to conserve energy,” Jameson stated on Facebook.

When questioned whether he found it odd that for an episode of Bear Grylls, the accommodation was a bit grand, especially for a bunch of survivalists to have cobbled together in less than a week, he responded saying:

“I did think for a bit, ‘nooooo, they can’t have built a camp with a good shelter and a fully stocked bar, in a week.’ But, one of the lads mentioned his dog once ran onto a building site, so he knew a lot about building materials and construction, so, I thought, oh, alright, makes sense.”

For the first 3 days, Jameson carried out all activities as if he was on The Island With Bear Grylls, including going fishing on an inflatable lilo shaped like a pizza slice and making an animal trap out of a thong, bra clasp and vast amounts of L’oreal Lock It hair gel for men.

Asked when was the moment he realised he was on the wrong show, he said,

“when one of the lads said they were going to find protein and instead of coming back with a wild boar, they came back with two Pina Colada flavoured protein shakes. I thought, hang on, something isn’t right here. Pina colada isn’t a fruit. Is it!?”

When Jameson realised what had happened, he promptly took to his Instagram page to post a selfie of himself with a bemused expression and performing a rather suggestive yoga position with 2 other women in the villa, captioning it,

‘Dafuq. Bear Grylls got weird. #Survival #SurprisinglyFlexible #ArePinaColadasAFruit’

Having now understood what show he is on, he has promptly self-tanned, self-waxed and self-promoted himself and is now a favourite to win. Good Luck James.

Love Island has become a cult phenomenon, for people that can no longer read, look at, or think in general about the news, nor can they watch one of the 18 shows currently available about baked goods or generic cooking.

Louise Atkinson for Pf Magazine


 

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Louise is a comedian, writer and drunken robotics enthusiast. Originally from the cultural delights of Hull, she now lives in London and spends most of her days uttering the words ‘How much!?!’ in most London establishments.

She is also a keen meme and gif enthusiast and all of her Frankenstein creations can be found on her Twitter and Instagram pages.

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Categories
women

Five Age Defying Looks

As a woman, it’s important to retain one’s youth in order to adhere to society’s vision of beauty. For housewives living on a Waitrose budget, surgery may be a suitable option to nip and tuck your nasty bits. However, those living on a Lidl budget may have to seek alternative solutions.

Before reaching for the stapler for a DIY face-lift, you may wish to consider these five foolproof age-defying looks that will shock your friends and family, and not your accountant.

 

The Yummy Mummy

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Using good quality bandages, simply wrap your torso, extremities, and visage to protect the eyes of the public from your already worn, wrinkling skin.

If you use a particularly strong fabric, you can also fake that hourglass figure of your dreams. Simply breathe in, tie the bandages as tightly as possible, and refrain from both food and drink for the rest of the day to minimise the risk of unravelling.

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Pro-tip: when covering the face, make sure to leave holes for the eyes, nose and mouth. While you may wish to hide these problem areas, as they are prone to developing lines, you will still need an ample supply of oxygen to get through the day.

 

The Pleasant Peasant

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People in the Middle Ages were not blessed with longevity, and this look is perfect for fooling others into believing that you are under the age of thirty.

While the humble potato sack is often disregarded, it is a key component of this age-defying look. Hessian is a fabulous, breathable material that is suitable for all weather conditions, as well as being durable for those with active lifestyles. It is easy to source unused burlap sacks, however purchasing a full potato sack to adapt into a dress provides an ample supply of spuds for homemade chips and vodka for carbilicious martinis.

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Pro-tip: for a truly authentic look, apply mud to the face to distract from unsightly crows’ feet and sunspots; using a clay-based mud will also help to absorb any excess sebum and detoxify the skin.  

 

The Beautiful Baby

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Curious Cases aside, elderly infants are hard to come by. Those truly committed to this look will also enjoy the freedom that comes with wearing a nappy; this look is therefore perfect for festivals and concerts, where the queue for the ladies’ is torturously long after one too many pints of lukewarm Snakebite.

The classic romper also gives you the liberty to sit legs akimbo, and is conveniently designed with pockets. You may be unfamiliar with a pocket, as it is not a common feature in traditional Women’s Fashion; this is because babies have more use for them than women do: baby rompers necessitate pockets for Lego, snacks, and worms.

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Pro-tip: to achieve perfectly rouged cheeks, allow strangers to pinch your chubby cheeks. Alternatively, consuming around five large glasses of chilled white wine within an afternoon can help to achieve that gorgeous glow.   

 

The Winsome Wizard

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Adopting this look will not only provide a little freedom for your schedule, as wizards are not bound to the restraints of appointment-keeping, but it is one of the best looks for keeping people guessing regarding your age, as it is a truly timeless mode of fashion.

While the cloak will hide your unsightly frame in style, the oversized hat will distract the eye from your fine lines and wrinkles. The bigger the hat, the slimmer the frame; it truly is magical!

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Pro-tip: you can “cheat” this look with a fake beard, however, those truly committed may wish to attempt growing out their own facial hair, although wiry whiskers may be a little too sparse to achieve desired results.

 

The Gorgeous Ghoul

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This look is simple, yet effective. Not only will it keep people guessing regarding your age, but it will hide any lumps and bumps and give you the freedom to enjoy an All You Can Eat Buffet without needing to undo a notch or two on your trousers.

For a more summery look, you can always use a floral bed sheet; however, a plain white sheet is perfect for any occasion.

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Pro-tip: for the perfect, ghoulish smoky eye, apply a thick layer of pure charcoal around the eyes. This will also help to diminish the appearance of laughter lines, as you can fill in the creases with layers and layers of kohl to create a smooth look.

 

Bonus: The Handsome Hermit

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If the above styles seem a little intimidating, then you may wish to try this truly effortless look, which is perfect for beauty beginners. Simply draw the curtains, remove or cover all reflective glass in your house, and never leave again!

This is a stylish look all-year round, and is customisable with your own choice of dressing gown and endless snacks.  

Go on, girls: keep ‘em guessing!

 

Megan Barnett for Pf Magazine

Illustrations Megan Barnett

(subject to copyright)

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Categories
humour

Woman Goes Food Shopping Hungover ~ and accidentally spends £1050.

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“I didn’t think going food shopping hungover, and on an empty stomach, could lead to me buying aisle 4 in big Sainsbury’s”

The food shopping list of the woman who spent £1050 after going out the night before and enjoying: ‘triples for singles’, fish bowls and a night of general regret at a local bar, has come out.

From 48 bags of Thai Sweet Chilli Sensation crisps to 5 lbs of various slabs of chocolates, the list is extensive and is a clear illustration that everyone should prepare for a hungover day with either pre-junk food shopping, or always ensure Domino’s pizza vouchers are to hand.

The woman in question, Ms. T. Lilly. Lashed, 28, says she is mostly shocked that after a night out in London, there was any money left on her card to spend. ‘Part of me just thought, I can’t spend that much on food anyway as, after last night, there will be nothing in my account anyway.’

When asked if she had checked her bank account prior to going shopping Ms. Lashed said ‘are you joking!? I check my account once after payday and then basically avoid it like the plague until the following month. I guess it’s how most people would treat a gift card; you don’t know how much is left on it, but you use it and act generally surprised if there is anything left.’

Ms. Lashed also expressed how she was not overly concerned about the volume of items bought, or that she had to wander around a supermarket in a giant cat onesie with the tail missing, but that most of the items on her list were on some form of discount offer.

So she doesn’t understand how, with such great offers, she could have spent so much. ‘Hobknobs were buy one get two free. How does that add up to £1050!?’
She later went on to add ‘you can understand why people invented brunch; avoids hungover situations like this.’

Ms. Lash has been allowed to set up a monthly payment plan to pay off her large hangover cure. She is also now actively campaigning to have breathalysers installed at the front of all supermarkets on Sundays, meaning anyone over the limit will not be allowed to shop and will have a minimum of a 24-hour ban.

Please note, for the purpose of this article, we have researched what the most effective hangover cure is. Based on medical consultations, we can confirm that the best hangover cure is to be under 25 years of age.
Louise Atkinson for Pf Magazine


Louise

26815095_162632157713520_381548939483464405_n

 

Louise is a comedian, writer and drunken robotics enthusiast. Originally from the cultural delights of Hull, she now lives in London and spends most of her days uttering the words ‘How much!?!’ in most London establishments.

She is also a keen meme and gif enthusiast and all of her Frankenstein creations can be found on her Twitter and Instagram pages.

Instagram

Twitter


 

Categories
women

Wedding Guest Survival Guide

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It’s happened. You’ve collected your mail only to find a crisp white envelope containing a wedding invitation, and in a moment of foolish optimism, you RSPV’d. First, congratulations on still having friends and family who are willing to interact with you beyond social media. That’s a big deal these days.

Secondly, don’t panic. With this survival guide, you’re sure to be the most memorable part of the wedding. Yes, infamy still counts.

Your first order of business is to make a spreadsheet containing important info on all the eligible bachelors in attendance. Eligible meaning that they have a job, a place to live, and a pulse. Bonus points if they’re under fifty and straight. Try to aim squarely in the middle. You’re not looking for Prince Charming. You’re looking for Prince Meh, I don’t totally hate him.

Next, take great care in choosing your outfit. While common etiquette has always warned against upstaging the bride remember she already has a man. The venue is paid for, relatives are there, and gifts have been accepted. He’s not walking away over a dress. You wear the most come-hither dress you can get away with whilst not being mistaken for a call girl, unless money is tight that is. No judgement.

Also keep in mind that unless you’re emotionally invested in the couple or they’re famous, weddings are often mind-numbingly boring events. Go heavy on the caffeine and the alcohol. This will also lower your standards inhibitions making it much easier to meet someone new. Anyone. Seriously.

Last but certainly not least have a good time. Weddings are a time to celebrate love, enjoy the company of family, and get wasted while wearing questionable formalwear. Don’t lose sight of what’s important.

 

Lauren Pathak for Pf Magazine


 

Categories
Horoscope

Your Monthly Horoscope With Dr. Pat Cancer ~ June

Aries (March 21-April 19)

We all have that one friend. They don’t text back, they turn up late, or they steal from you. That one buddy who drags you through hell as they blackmail you with your most damaging secrets. Yet, for some reason we can forgive them everything, even aggressive assault with a deadly weapon. Keep being that friend, Aries.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

There is an old saying: “Come June, the birds know where the biscuits are”. And how true that is. As summer sneaks in take time to stop and enjoy your surroundings. Nature, animals, loved ones. Be grateful you’re not in a colder climate, or stuck in a conversation at a party being forced to admit that you made that saying up.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Doctors are often called upon to give bad news. Gemini know this only too well, with 90-95% of you working in the medical profession. It can take a toll on your emotions, not to mention your time. So I have formulated a useful device to impart bad news en masse: Later this month 5-10% of you shall remain in your current job.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Your focus on material possessions has begun to overtake your investment in those around you. The line between living things and material commodities begins to blur mid-June. Things reach a peak when you attempt to grill a toaster within a loaf of bread, then wear a Lasagne to a restaurant and eat your waiter.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

With Mercury Rising on TV later this month you decide to treat yourself to a bottle of cider and a night alone in the park. Memories of happier times with a long departed friend come rushing back. You trace childhood steps down to the old river and that small incline where you pushed the insufferable cow to her watery grave.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

You may not think you have magical powers, and you are right. It is time to get serious and put away infantile notions of make-believe and superstition. As an earth sign you must put two feet firmly on the ground because Thursday proves that the here and now can do more for you than some short, vague prediction.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

June is a great month for Librarians to get out of their stuffy hell boxes and meet new people. Who knows, this could be the month where that new girlfriend or boyfriend walks into your life. Or if you’re already in a relationship, maybe a new boyfriend or girlfriend for your other half. Keep an open mind. Cheer up… Christ.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Hello David, I’m sorry I missed your call. I am writing my monthly horoscope at the moment and it needs my full attention. I shall return your call when I have submitted this awful bloody mess to the editor. They work me so hard for so little. I haven’t forgotten about our plan for the badger cull, but everything is on hold until I

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

The key to a good marriage is compromise. If your partner does not agree with this you may be questioning his or her motives. Does he or she really want to share their or there world with you? Are them or they being as giving as you or I need them, or they to be? Talk it through. See what each one or another’s motives our.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Remember your first ice-cream? Your first pony ride? The fresh thrill of a trip to the cinema, or learning that the two names “Ottoman Empire” and “Turkey” were once used interchangeably in Western Europe? There’s nothing quite like the first time. So, take up that picnic offer, accept the diagnosis, and say yes to the dress!

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)

Mick Hucknall sang “money money money money”, cleverly building on the sentiment of Benny Andersson and Björn Ulvaeus when they sang “money money money”, itself a simplified retelling of Kander and Ebb’s “money money money money money money money money money money.” All songs to avoid this month.

Pisces (February 19 to March 20)

A sad reality of a long life, aside from the pitiful degradation of our basic senses, is to see our nearest and dearest shuffle off this mortal foil before us. But, worry not, it seems Pisces have nothing to fear this month. Indeed, June promises to be full of new beginnings. New life? New adventures? Death can wait until July.

Dr. Pat Cancer for Pf Magazine