Murder She Did ~ Never Mind Wrote


Viewers of Murder She Wrote finally feel vindicated after Angela Lansbury has been implicated and subsequently charged in the horrific murders of hundreds of hapless individuals throughout America, committed as unsuspected and thought to be trusted Jessica Fletcher.

Under the guise of the amateur sleuth and mystery crime novelist, she has been free to roam the USA on what can only be described as one big killing spree, every time implicating poor local folk as ‘fall guys’, and then by some powerful means of coercion getting them to confess at the end of each episode.

She is now thought to be America’s most prolific female serial killer.

We spoke to previous president of the Murder She Wrote Fan Club, Janet Douglas of Wichita, who told us, “Angela had the perfect alibi all along, I have no idea why the authorities took so long to apprehend her. Everywhere she went some unsuspecting person, who was just going about their daily life, was killed in cold blood. I mean it’s staring you in the face; my suspicions began to materialise during series 13. She is for want of a better moniker a criminal mastermind, setting others up for her ghastly crimes then having the sheer audacity to write about them. It’s akin to Jack the Ripper bringing out a detective novel series, or a book on how to achieve your potential as a butcher.”

Apparently police were forced to take action against Ms Lansbury after receiving an anonymous tip off.

Officer in charge of the investigation, Detective Nowlinski remained tight lipped regarding the source that led to the subsequent investigation. He told us, “I am not permitted to divulge any information whatsoever as to our sources. It is of profound importance that we as a police force staunchly protect our informants due to the horrific nature of Ms Lansbury’s crimes, fear of reprisal is exceptionally high.”

However, whilst we were asked to hold during our telephone interview with the seasoned officer, we overheard a conversation which firstly confirmed Detective Nowlinski’s lunch order of pastrami on rye and a couple of glacé donuts and secondly “get Cagney & Lacey  something too; they’ve sure been put through the mill this morning spilling the beans on old Ange.”

At this point the line went dead.

Ms Lansbury’s arrest has prompted the FBI to open an investigation code named Operation Trench Mac, which is looking in to the possible nefarious activities of other TV detectives. According to sources Columbo has gone into hiding and Magnum PI is said to have shaved off his moustache to avoid recognition. Furthermore, specific attention has been focused on Don Johnson of Miami Vice fame when photographs emerged of him in his garden burning what appeared to be hundreds of bloodstained Hawaiian shirts with an accomplice who was said to bear a striking resemblance to Bergerac.

Ms Lansbury, who is now out on bail set at $1million, has been unavailable for comment.

Emma Deeley for Pf Magazine

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