I Had An Affair With My Dead Neighbour’s Ghost – And Then He Ghosted Me!
It was Christmas Eve, and Julie was on her own, watching TV and bored.
“It was my ex-husband’s turn to have the kids for Christmas,” says Julie as she puffs nervously on a cigarette, “so I was on my own and Christmas television was crap. Then I remembered that my daughter had a pack of Tarot cards in her bedroom – I’d always wanted to have a go at learning how to use them, so I thought I might as well do it now while I had the time.
Sarah’s bedroom is an absolute disgrace though, so after looking under her bed and finding half the crockery in the house, I gave up on the Tarot card Idea and decided to clean the kitchen instead.
And that’s when it caught my eye – the Ouija board.
I brought it downstairs and had a go. I will admit that I’d had a couple of drinks by this point, so I don’t think I was doing it properly. I also like to have a little dabble on Tinder when the kids are away, so I thought I’d save time and do both.
I’d say it was after the third bottle of wine where I started getting mixed up between the Tinder app and the Ouija board and somewhere along the line, I started chatting to a lovely chap called Stuart. Funnily enough, he said he lived two doors down from me. I couldn’t place him, so I didn’t think much of it and I was fairly tired, so I fell asleep soon after.
I woke up the next afternoon, and all of a sudden, the Ouija board started to spell things out. I know, most people would have run for the hills at that point, but I don’t move for anything until my hangover McDonalds arrives.
The board spelled out, ‘HEY SEXY! IT’S STUART! HOW’S THE HEAD?’
And then it dawned on me: Stuart from two doors down had died a few years ago. I hadn’t been chatting with him on Tinder, I’d been so drunk I hadn’t realised I was texting on the Ouija board.
Far from being freaked out, I felt okay. Stuart seemed nice. We both liked Green Day and Chinese food and to be fair, I’d not had much luck with the living on Tinder. He asked if he could come over later and I said, why not?
I text my best friend Janice who suggested I call a priest, but I could sense she was just jealous.
After that first night, Stuart started spending more and more time at my house. Yes, Sex is tricky when you can’t see the other person, but I got used to it. The cold spot where he stood freaked the kids out, but they soon got used to it and as it turns out, Stuart was a pretty good poltergeist, so they loved it when they didn’t have to get up and find the TV remote themselves or fetch a packet of crisps.
Then one day, Stuart got colder. He started to make excuses not to materialize in my bed. Then one day, he vanished for good. I was distraught.
I’d been ghosted by a ghost!
In the end I went to a spiritualist to try and make contact with Stuart to get closure.
It turns out that Janice, my former best friend, was jealous of me having a man that didn’t have to pee, eat or fart and had bought an Ouija board and contacted him herself.
Fuming doesn’t cut it. Being betrayed by Janice was one thing, but being ghosted by my dead lover was the pits. I couldn’t even wish the bastard dead.”
Pf Magazine contacted Stuart (via a séance) for comment:
“My relationship with Julie is dead and buried. Much like me.” Spelled Stuart, “My afterlife is now with Janice. Julie needs to move on”.
Cookie Kibbles for Pf Magazine