I Ghosted My Frenemies


One of the ugliest and most controversial trends in millennial relationships has to be ghosting. Every time I’m at the supermarket I see articles about how the horror of ghosting is ruining modern love & friendships. Admittedly I have not actually read any of those articles because I’m too cheap to buy them and no longer welcome at my local library, I am however interested in the topic. Some say that ghosting is fine early in the relationship, while others say it is the ultimate act of cowardice akin to shoving a group of orphans away from a lifeboat.

Motivated by equal parts curiosity and cheap rum I thought it would be a great idea to conduct my own little ghosting experiment. Rather than ghosting my spouse, or friends as I do not have any, I decided I would ghost my frenemies. While some may think of it as cowardly if ghosting is all it takes to remove toxic relationships from my life that seems like a small price to pay.

My first step on my journey to ghosting was to my local hardware store, well technically the hardware store two towns over. I’m banned from the local hardware store due to a misunderstanding involving duct tape, rope, and a man-sized bag. There I picked up some chains, admittedly I cheaped out on them but I really don’t think anyone will notice. Next, I ran into an abandoned laundromat and stole a variety of sheets. I’m dedicated but also on a budget. Luckily, I had the forethought to borrow one of my frenemies’s car and hoodie so I’m in the clear even if there’s video. people-2586916_640

I was ready to get my ghost on. I was not prepared for the difficulty of the task at hand. Initially I thought I should just sneak in while they were asleep, but I worried what if one them caught me or worse yet what if they slept through the entire thing? I decided to play it safe and sneak in while they were at work.

Once inside I moved random items, hid a few things, and drank a bottle of Prosecco for research purposes. I then hid in the attic until nightfall. Under the cover of darkness, I put on my sheet and got to work. I moaned and wailed in the attic, rattled chains and whispered dark prophecies in the air vent. This went on for about a week, so hats off to those industrious enough to ghost a casual acquaintance. I’m much too lazy for that.

Honestly, I was about to give up. I wasn’t making much progress and I felt like my boss was starting to realise the mannequin I’d stuffed behind my desk was not in fact me.

At last though it finally happened.

It was around 1pm on a Tuesday when I was greeted with a knock on the attic door. It was a sheriff’s deputy there to arrest me for breaking and entry, harassment, and serve me with a restraining order. While I’m not looking forward to scrubbing graffiti off bridges it was definitely the most fun I’d had wrecking a relationship and screwing with an enemy. I’d probably ghost again.

Lauren Pathak for PF Magazine