How To Soothe The Seven Year Itch

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Many things come in sevens: days, wonders, dwarfs, brides for brothers, cowboys, sins, and this list. As well as being the title of the Monroe movie featuring that famously gusty gusset scene, another septennial situation is that of the Seven Year Itch.

While not all relationships are destined for doom and gloom upon entering their seventh year, the amount of celebrity marriages that have succumbed to the Seven Year Itch is evidence enough that this is quite the epidemic.  

If you’re concerned about experiencing a particularly uncomfortable and itchy year of marriage, fear not: there are several ways in which you can soothe that Seven Year Itch!

Thorough Hair Removal

Severe stubble rash is one of the first signs of the dreaded Seven Year Itch; shaving, therefore, is simply not enough. While hair removal creams can be a quick fix, both you and your partner should consider a total body wax to ensure that skin remains smooth and stubble-free.

If you want to be truly proactive in combating that Seven Year Itch, you may wish to consider laser hair removal on all areas of the body south of the upper-lip.

Just be careful in warmer weather, when you may have to peel yourselves from each other much like bare limbs from leather sofas. Moist towelettes may be considered as a precaution.

Natural Yogurt

Being a source of Probiotics and “good” bacteria, Natural Yogurt has been used in holistic medicine for centuries. Its naturally soothing qualities are sure to quell the Seven Year Itch before symptoms fully develop.

More adventurous types may wish to experiment with yogurt of a crunchy corner variety, which can help to exfoliate the skin and leave you feeling smooth and soothed. However, do be wary of yogurts containing fruit, which are likely to attract the local wildlife.

Ice

A simple yet effective remedy for soothing the Seven Year Itch, applying an ice pack to the affected area will help to reduce uncomfortable inflammation and swelling.

Ice cubes are also a valuable source of relief, and can also be reused in a large, medicinal G&T.  

Cucumber Slices

Thanks to their high water content, these salad staples can do wonders in soothing the Seven Year Itch. Cucumber slices can also reduce puffy eyes, a common side effect of Seven Year Itch-induced spats and squabbles.

As with ice, cucumber slices make for an excellent accompaniment to a medicinal G&T, which can help to distract from symptoms of the Seven Year Itch.

Smooth Jazz

Music can affect our moods, and so ensuring that your relationship has the right soundtrack can help to alleviate symptoms of the Seven Year Itch. A sultry saxophone solo can help to relax you and your partner, encouraging the promotion of oxytocin, the feel good hormone.

Ensure that you only listen to smooth jazz, however; scat varieties can be a little nonsensical, which can encourage the urge to scratch, rather than soothe your mood.

Increase Your Likes

When the Seven Year Itch hits, often couples realise that they don’t, in fact, like each other anymore. To prevent this from happening, ensure that you both start interacting more on social media. Liking that new profile picture or status update can bring you closer together as a couple.

Those who are truly committed to the cause may wish to stop speaking to each other in person altogether, and instead, concentrate on building a stronger online relationship.

Adopt All The Cats

Cats purr to soothe and heal, so you may wish to go to your local cat sanctuary and adopt as many cats as possible in order to create a soothing home environment that will keep the Seven Year Itch at bay.

However, if you are allergic to cats or animal hair, this may not be the solution for you, as it will, in fact, encourage scratching and itchy eyes.

Of course, not all relationships are the same. However, with these preventative tips within your arsenal, you and your partner are sure to celebrate a soothing seven years together as opposed to succumbing to the Seven Year Itch.

Megan Barnett for Pf Magazine

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