According to scientific studies, women can experience up to 17 different kinds of orgasm. Here at Pf Magazine we’ve identified 4 new ones, so hold onto your hats and order some of “what she’s having”.
1. The Phonegasm. This is quite a common one. You know when everybody is paying attention? You pick up your phone and have 4 texts from actual friends, 6 interesting emails that aren’t trying to help you extend your penis, 10 Facebook notifications that aren’t just memories, 12 Instagram notifications that are beautiful and 36 retweets of your hilarious Tweet about the school run. You feel popular, wanted, special. That is a Phonegasm. A Phonegasm can be heightened by keeping all sound alerts on, the endless flurry of bells is delicious foreplay. NB a Phonegasm only occurs when you haven’t looked at it for at least an hour.
2. The Telegasm. This only occurs at a very specific moment in a boxset. You have to be far enough in to be fully invested in the characters. The point where you love them so much you are convinced that the writers, no matter how twisted, couldn’t dream of allowing anything bad to happen to them. The actual Telegasm moment comes when you are near to the end but far away enough from it to still enjoy the show without the cold reality of knowing the end is nigh. Depending on the length of the series the Telegasm comes between the 4th to last and the penultimate episode. It is possible to have multiple Telegasms, especially if the show doesn’t know when to stop. (Lost, GOT, Blacklist)
3. The Foodgasm. While the Foodgasm has been around for centuries it is only recently being recognised and acknowledged. It is one of the more obvious of our 4 discoveries, we’ve all had those moments post eating a perfect meal that we’ve prepared where we couldn’t be more satisfied. You must be careful to avoid attempting multiple Foodgasms in one sitting as this will only lead to hours of bloating and misery. Foodgasms don’t just come about from your own cooking, often a slutty cheeseburger or a quinoa salad can bring one on. Not to be confused with a Sugasm – where one has consumed one’s own body weight in ice-cream/chocolate/strawberry laces.
4. The Amagasm. You have spent days filling your Amazon basket with an array of random, unnecessary, shiny objects like a crazed online magpie. There are gifts for loved ones and a job lot of something you’ll only ever use once, DVDs of films you could watch on Netflix, boob tape, a jumper that caught your eye and enough stationery to start your own market stall. You get paid. You checkout. Possibly the easiest orgasm but definitely the most expensive. Always avoid the Amagasm when drunk otherwise you’ll be subjected to days of bizarrely disappointing parcels. Multiple Amagasms are possible but you will be bankrupt very quickly.
If you’ve not experienced any of these orgasms – what are you waiting for?
Shona Moss for PF Magazine