We’ve all got that one Facebook friend.
The one you went to school or college with who was really popular despite not being all that great. The one who had liberal parents that let them have parties and who are still popular now, with the same old gang of people fawning all over them and you still don’t understand what the attraction is.
The one with the air of, “I’m so fabulous, but I hardly even try! I’m just so bloody genuine!” about them.
You will have hidden them from your feed by now, because they will be one of those annoying people who harp on and on about their perfect lives, amazing job and fabulous holidays (or even worse, they will never post a thing, but their arse licking friends will tag them in a thousand photos of them at parties saying how great they are).
No matter how well hidden they are, never forget that Facebook hates you and will still notify you of their existence when it is their birthday. Facebook is a bastard like that, and when you are reminded of her ever exuberant presence on this Earth, you will HAVE to sneak a look at her profile (oh, it will always be a woman, by the way – and this only applies to women. Men aren’t such massive twats).
You’ll never speak to her or see her again, so why are you still friends?
Come on, we all know why.
It’s the joy you feel when she posts the picture of her newborn because its funny looking (like her) and your children are way cuter. Don’t deny it – you think her kids are weird looking even though you still commented, “gorgeous, Hun!” under the photo because you are still a massive brown nose just like you were when you were 15 and willing her to love you enough to look at you in History class.
You also love that she appears to have no taste in interior decor and her house looks like something Dumbledore threw up, and that her husband looks really odd from certain angles – like the front, sides, and back.
Although nothing, nothing is better than clicking on a photo to find out that she has gained a few stone. You always wanted to look better than her, and now you do! Celebrate with cake!
You know deep down that this is no way to live. You know that comparing her children to Kermit the frog really isn’t fair no matter how many parties their mother didn’t invite you to. So how do you stop this unhealthy obsession with a woman you haven’t set eyes on in two decades?
Just kidding! Gosh, I am sorry – I didn’t mean to panic you. I know you could never give up the daily fix of looking at other people’s crap DIY and stalking your ex-boyfriend to see if he’s met anyone else yet.
No, what you need to do is up your game. It’s really simple: Write a list of everything she has ever done and TOP IT. So she’s got a PHD? You get one too, and while you are at it, get a Nobel Prize for curing cancer. She snapped back into shape after having twins? Get knocked up with triplets and give birth while running 10k on a treadmill.
Easy! Or actually…maybe just delete Facebook after all.
Cookie Kibbles for Pf Magazine