Life as a new mum is truly inspiring. Life-affirming, even. I had no idea it would be like this – in the months before Bethany-Angel-Smith-Reeves was born all people would talk to me about was lack of sleep, loss of friends and cracked nipples.
But really – I can’t sleep anyway. I can’t even blink without missing her cute button-nosed face. I was so smug on that maternity ward, all the other mothers sitting there with their 7 lb bundles of mediocrity, stealing glances at my bullion. Yes, most of my friends have disappeared now, but how much of a friend are you if you can’t even be bothered to ring the doorbell for a 14th time when I’m making the most of my baby cuddles?
I’ll gloss over the cracked nipples – literally – with Polyfilla. Seriously, why has nobody thought of this before?
Even as I sit here writing this in my new “Blogging is Life” notebook, with my Bic Biro, I’m wondering what I filled my time with before my baby arrived. I remember wasting my life away watching countless box sets. I’d spend an hour in the bath, read pointless novels and play dead each weekend morning by sleeping in.
My husband has been amazing. I couldn’t wish for a more supportive man to raise a child with. Since the baby was born he’s spent more time at the office each day slogging away to provide for us. He even works most weekends, he misses us but it’s something he says he has to do.
I know he’s busy – sometimes I phone his office in the evening to give a pH and consistency update on the baby’s bowel movements and his secretary answers. I wish he’d buy her a cordless office phone – she’s always breathless when she answers, and the giggling she does is fooling nobody. Poor woman, she’s only 24 – she should be out enjoying herself, not working until 10pm each night with my husband.
Anyway, I’ll have to leave it there for now. We’re about to leave for a mum and baby group. Everyone knows these things are a beauty contest, why hide it behind silly games and songs? I’m putting the baby in the Gucci nappies I bought her, I hope Nancy sees it this time – she thinks she’s so fancy with her gluten-free vegan fair-trade almond-milk formula!
Mark Thomas for PF Magazine