Ask Uncle

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Do you have relationship, life or health problems? Put them to resident lifestyle Guru, Uncle Jeckl.

 

Fresh from a weeks break in the Bahamas, Uncle Jeckl is here to sprinkle sunshine on your worries, so you can watch them evaporate like a British summer.


 

To start us off, here’s Emily from Hull. She writes;

 

Dear Uncle Jeckl,

 

My partner is addicted to the video game Fortnite. Every night when he gets home from work, he’s sat there with his headphones on, talking to random people online while playing this stupid game. I’m going to end up a gamers widow, what can I do? I’m at the end of my tether. I feel like I’m going to throw it out of the window.

 

Dear Emily,

 

What’s his username…I’ll add him.

 

J


 

Dear Uncle Jeckl,

 

I’m totally and utterly in love with my girlfriend. She’s smart, funny and attractive. We get on so well, but I’m constantly thinking I’m not good enough for her.

 

Steve, Romford

 

Dear Steve,

 

Entering a relationship with a posh bit of totty is a very tricky sea to navigate. Firstly, there’s the language barrier, and then there’s the all-consuming feeling that you are nothing but a project to her. A little game arranged between friends over gin and caviar. God, I miss Tabatha. Anyway… I have a checklist that will help you sail through this murky bit of channel you find yourself in. If you find yourself answering yes to any of the following, then it’s time to cut ties and find yourself a bit of council estate rough.

 

  1. Does she read books?
  2. Does she insist on ordering a skinny latte, made only with the milk of the Peruvian horsefly and insist that the cup is made from cruelty-free cardboard?
  3. Does she work in academic publishing?
  4. Does she have a male friend called Tarquin, who always wears a snood?

I hope this helps, fella.

 

J


Dear Uncle Jeckl,

 

I have found myself disconnected from society. I shun most social interactions where I can help it, and I just can’t seem to form any lasting relations. Most people just see me as weird and aloof. I’m terribly alone. Paul is the only one who understands me, he alone knows how I feel.

Just so you know, Paul is a Birch tree.

 

Pauline, Berks.

 

Dear Pauline.

 

Uhm. Err. I think you’re barking up the wrong tree. No, wait, come back, I’m sorry. Yew could try counselling (arf)? I know this is a bit acorny, but have you thought about branching out and making new friends? Take a leaf out of my book and talk to…Paul? Tell him you seek the council of…err…humans? Don’t be too harsh on…it…let him down gently to avoid him becoming a weeping willow.

Oh my God. You’re too much.

 

J


Dear Uncle J,

 

I have recently started a new job. I absolutely love the people and the office atmosphere. It’s so vibrant and friendly, with so many hilarious characters. I have never felt so at home at work. The last month or so I have started to flirt with a cute guy. He often looks at me when we pass in the corridor and gives me the warmest smile. We often talk in the kitchen and we have so much in common; we both love Kylie Minogue, in fact, we both went to the same concert last year. Crazy, huh?

We also both love Dirty Dancing and I just think he’s a dream. He recently told me that he feels so comfortable around me, and that he could tell me anything. To top this off, the other day, he invited me to join a few of his close friends on a trip to Brighton. I’ve never been to Brighton, but I hear it’s a cool place. Surely, he wouldn’t invite me if he wasn’t interested?

 

Sarah, 27, Kent

 

Dear Sarah,

 

I am what I am…

J


Dear Uncle Jeckl,

 

My husband is being a right little shit. To be fair, he’s been this way since we met back in college. He does nothing around the house, we haven’t made love since 1998 and I think he’s bored of me. So, I decided to do something about it. I got all dressed up and put some make-up on – I haven’t done this since our wedding day, and that was under duress – I made a real effort for him. When he got home from work, I led on the bed and waited for him. I heard him come through the front door, so I screamed down at him. He popped upstairs, and after he had finished laughing, I conned him into a little snog. I then suggested some toys. I asked him if he would like a cucumber up the…you know, around the corner. My God, the noise he made. Am I being unreasonable?

 

Sadie, 53, Salisbury

 

Dear Sadie,

 

Are we talking Tesco’s finest or Sainsbury’s own? Sex toys can be a fun way to re-ignite antics in the bedroom Sadie. I think your fella is just a little scared of your suggestion. He sounds like a meat and two veg kind of guy. No nonsense, in, out back to the telly kind of bloke. Start gently (in the literal sense too), and build up to it. Perhaps don’t start with a cucumber. Maybe a nice baby carrot? Let me know how this goes Sadie.

J


 

Dear Uncle Jeckl,

 

My boyfriend and I have been courting for the best part of eight months. He is a splendid young man, with impeccable manners and morals, and he is a Daily Mail reader. I really could not have met a nicer man. My only issue is – and this may seem a tad trivial – is that he enjoys football as a sport. Not only to observe, but he also plays every Sunday. He has invited me to attend a football match with him in the coming weeks. I’m unsure. I’ve read such terrible things about these gatherings from friends. Only last week at book club my friend, Cynthia, warned me against accompanying my dear Man. What should I do? What can I really expect from these male dominated environs?

 

Calista, 32, Richmond

 

Dear Calista,

 

Football is nothing to be feared. It is an occasion to be enjoyed. It’s a sense of belonging, a sense of family. Take an interest in your man’s hobbies and endeavours. I can remember the first time I attended a football match. The lingering smell of cheap burgers, mixing with the smell of toilet cakes from the men’s toilets directly adjacent. You’ll never forget the first time you enter the stadium. Take your seat alongside your man and revel in the…who am I kidding?

You’ll be surrounded by council estate folk – unless he’s a Fulham fan – and you will instantly be introduced to a world of petty hate, needless prejudice and awesome language. The air will be turned all hues of blue as mild mannered looking men sat next to you shout unacceptable abuse across a field at people they’ve never met. Post-match, depending on the result, your man’s behaviour will go one of two ways. His team will win and you’ll be treated to a quickie after a dirty burger, or you’ll endure an evening of moping, fake bravado and a good old-fashioned street fight.

What’s not to like?

J

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