Ask Uncle Page 2

March Edition of #Pf Magazine

Dear Uncle Jeckl,

Me and my fiancé have just returned from a lush break in Magaluf. After a few days back, I noticed that he wouldn’t leave his crotch alone. He’s itching it day and night. He says he’s just got a little itch, but his hands are almost always down his pants. What should I do?

Sarah Badcock, 26 from Darlington


Dear, sweet, Sarah. I think it’s time to wake up and smell the Stella. While you were busy burning yourself to a cancerous crisp, your common law husband has been sampling the local wildlife. He’s brought himself a little souvenir home, one you probably don’t want to share. Check his phone, but don’t nag the bloke, we men hate naggers.

Sounds like he went Maga-aloof. Arf. Sorry, not sorry. God, I’m funny.


Uncle J


Dear Uncle Jeckl,

I have live here for six years. I have teenage son, Gregor. I worry he have bad friends who take drugs. How do I talk him?

Tatiana, 37, Lowestoft


Jesus H Christ.

You lot come over here, do all the jobs us Brits won’t, you work long hours with little or no thanks, you rightly fully claim benefits off our system, and you expect me to help your teenage son? When will you lot stop abusing this fine nation of ours? Oh, you make me mad. I can feel a letter coming on.

Ok. Where is he meeting these boys, and at what time? Can I have your sons contact details? What drugs is he taking? How many? What are they charging him? Are they available 24/7. Do they deliver to Primrose Hill? Nothing sinister you understand, I just need to know so I can best help your son, who it sounds, is in a very delicate situation. But please, pass on my details.

Uncle J

Dear Uncle Jeckl,

My girlfriend is very secretive with her phone. She spends so much time on it, and has little or no time for me. It’s driving me insane. As a result, we’re not having as much sex as we used to. I’m trying not being too needy or insecure, but I’m really worried she’s seeing someone else. I love her so much, and I don’t know what I would do without her in my life. What can I do?

Jack, 24, Bedford


Hi Jack,

Interesting one this. You’re afraid to confront her, as you don’t want to appear like a bunny-boiler. There’s sensitive, then there’s you. At the same time, if you did confront her, she would probably leave your ass anyway. My suggestion?

Have you heard of the term catfish? There’s a rather jolly show involving people who pretend to be other people online and these chaps catch them out. You wouldn’t believe the trash that appear on this show. Oh, it’s hilarious, Jack, you simply must watch it.

So, create a fake profile and stalk, I mean befriend your girlfriend online? Simple.

Give it a go? What could possibly go wrong?

Failing this, get physical, rugby tackle the cow to the floor and snatch her phone. There’s always plenty more fish, son. Use those things that dangle between your legs.

Uncle J

Dear Uncle Jeckl

I have developed a serious RSI in left wrist. I am too embarrassed to go to the doctor in case they think I have been masturbating too much. How would you approach this?

Stephen, 32 Isleworth


Dear Stephen.

A good Doctor can spot a wanker a mile off.


Uncle J

Dear Uncle Jeckl,


I think my daughter is gay. She tends to spend a lot of time with girls, and she has never had a boyfriend. I have also noticed recently that she is playing a lot of Pink and Alanis Morrissette music. Don’t get me wrong, I love the song ‘What about Us? ‘but I’m not sure I could handle this. The family would disown us, and we would become the talk of the street. How do I approach this? Is there a reversal treatment for this? What can I do? Please help. Is electro shock treatment legal in the UK?


Henrietta Paulson-Jones, 54, London


Dear H,

Are you a Daily Mail Reader?


Uncle J

Dear Uncle Jeckl,


I am an excessively hairy man. I’d like some advice on the best way to remove some of my unwanted growth. The last time I tried, I used my wife’s Veet Removal Cream, and have never felt such pain. This left me with red sores and skin removal.



Dear Peter,

You use Veet? (other creams are available – please ask a pharmacist for advice, always read the label). How sore are we talking? Did you video this? If so, can I see it?


Uncle J