Personal trainer to the stars, martial arts expert and ex-marine, Kylie Hong-Goldberg recalls five times she used Kung Fu techniques when being harassed in public – and tells you how you can use them to.
When I worked at an insurance office, I was bending over to get some more coffee for the machine. From behind me, I heard Allan from accounting say: “Wow, those are some beautiful buns.”
Instinctively, I went into the donkey position. Putting my weight down on my left knee, I extended my bent right leg forward as far as it would go for a coiled spring effect. I then kicked out backwards with my right leg planting the soul of my foot in Allan’s solar plexus.
I then rose to my feet and stood over Allan who lied flat on his back, his face purple and panting for air. It was then that I noticed the bakery buns on the counter, which Margie from marketing had brought to celebrate our 1000 quarterly sale. Nevertheless, Allan will think twice should he be considering a lewd comment another time.
Note: If you’re left-footed, simply mirror the manoeuvre so that you kick out with your strong leg.
The Nut Crusher
Men will harass you in the most public of places, sometimes creating a situation where you are forced to be at the centre of a scene. However, with the proper technique and a little training, you can squelch the situation discretely.
For example, one time I was seated next to the husband of the host of a dinner party when I felt his hand touch my knee and slide up the inside of my thigh. How did I respond? I slid my hand up his thigh, turned to smile at him, and proceeded to grab his testicles in the palm of my hand. It was delightful to see his lascivious smile disappear as I applied pressure.
The trick, though, is to apply just enough pressure so that he gets the idea without causing him to yell out. Squeeze harder than you would if you were holding a child’s hand, but not hard to enough to make him scream like a banshee. You can practice at home with a raw egg.
Just remember, if the egg breaks, so will his nuts.
The Moe, Larry and Curly
It’s important to remember that men are not always in control of their biological functions. That’s why I try to dish out a punishment that is both timely and appropriate.
For example, once on a crowded train, I found myself standing face to face with a young man. We were so close that my breasts were rubbing against his chest and our toes were touching. Suffice it to say that the motion of the train, combined with the friction, caused him to experience a certain biological reaction, which I could feel rubbing against me.
Understanding that this was not necessarily voluntary, I initially ignored it. However, when he gave me a smile that was reminiscent of a Donald Trump charm offensive, I initiated the old Moe, Larry and Curly one-two-three. First, I lifted my leg high and brought my spiked heel down hard on the toe of his soft tennis shoes. Next, I grabbed his nose between my forefingers with my left hand and twisted counter-clockwise as hard as I could. Finally, I formed a two-pronged fork with the index and long finger of my right hand and thrust it at his eyes.
The moral: Act like a stooge with Kylie, and you get The Three-Stooges punishment.
If I had a nickel for every lewd, crude and rude platitude men throw at me… well let’s just say, I wouldn’t be writing tip columns in magazines to make the month’s rent. Although not necessarily dangerous in and of itself, a disrespectful remark should not be tolerated in this day and age. But how do you stop it?
Considering that men are generally taller than women, a nice manoeuvre for silencing a disrespectful man is a body-shot punch. When a big guy leans down to whisper something disgusting in my ear, I bend both legs slightly, twist my hips and back leg rotating on the ball of my foot, and release to deliver a powerful liver shot to his side.
Then, while he is still paralyzed and gasping for air, I say, “I’m sorry, did you say something? No? I didn’t think so.” And I walk away.
The Bad Boy
When confronted with a physically larger and stronger person, remember, you can use many ordinary every-day items as a weapon—even items of your own clothing. For example, walking home alone late one night in the city, I was followed by a large man I had brushed off earlier that evening at a bar.
When I started walking faster, he picked up his pace too. Keeping my cool, I discretely removed my belt. We both began to move faster and faster. Then just as he reached me, I dropped suddenly to the ground using his momentum and weight against him to make him trip and fall.
Pressing my advantage to ensure my continued safety, I then began to whip him with my belt on his backside. He screamed out in pain and surprise, but I kept on until I was sure I had subdued him. As I calmly stepped around him and continued on my way, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Have you learned your lesson?”
“Yes,” he replied. “When can I see you again?”
NOTE: This story has a happy ending as I actually did agree to see him again, and we are now engaged to be married.
Oren Shafir for Pf Magazine