Here, take a look at these handcuffs, I’ve just bought them from that military shop up Camden way. They’re stronger than the ones I’ve been using; reinforced steel. The others were starting to bend slightly from where Anton had tried to pull the chain out of the wall.
I did tell him that there was no point trying to break-free, see that wall back in the house is made from Iranian Concrete, I researched it specially, it’s the strongest in the world; quartz infused it is.
I’ve got to be honest, he hasn’t taken to being cooped up indoors, which has really surprised me, cus I thought he’d enjoy being out of the public gaze for a bit. Kicked up a right fuss he has.
Course, I hadn’t intended to gag him, well it’s a bit unpleasant, isn’t it? But he was screaming like a banshee, so I had no choice really; granted the basement has no windows but you can never be too careful.
Leaving him to go off to work is always a bit of wrench. He pleads, in his own unique muffled fashion and I like to think it’s because he doesn’t really want me to go, which is nice. But as I told him, ‘needs must, cus the bills won’t pay themselves, will they?’
Besides, I know they’d only try and contact me from the office if I didn’t turn up and I can’t really take the chance of drawing attention to myself. They’re keeping their eyes on all of us see, since he disappeared I mean.
It’s all been a tad traumatic cus we were all interviewed, but thankfully they didn’t seem too interested in me.
In his more sedate moments I like to remove the gag, it gives us a chance to have a proper chat, although to be fair, it’s me that does most of the talking.
He has tried to get me to untie him as well, but as I tried to explain, it’s not that I’m not trusting, in fact, I’d say that’s one of my failings, it’s just I’m not sure I’m ready to give him that freedom just yet – there’s things that need seeing to first.
I wouldn’t dream of leaving him hungry though, so I did him a lovely Lasagne before I left for work today, put it on the tray next to the bed with the pot of Jelly and the bottled water.
I felt a bit guilty about the plastic spoon cus it’s not the easiest of utensils to crack through my cheesy topping and I’ve become extremely conscious of my plastic use, since that program on the TV, but I was a bit concerned he might hurt himself with a metal one.
It must be nigh on five years I’ve been working for the TV station now. Straight out of university it was. I know working on reception isn’t what I’d hoped for, especially as I got a first in media studies and really wanted to be involved in production, but it’s a foot in the door as they say.
Anton was particularly friendly from the off. One of the girls who works on reception with me, Jane, said she thought he had his eye on me right from the start.
Oh, I know the tabloids will have you believe that he’s one for the ladies, but there was definitely a spark between us, holding my gaze just that little bit longer when I handed over his lanyard, that sort of thing.
He once told me that I had eyes like Sophia Loren and that my smile brightened up his day and he never said that to Jane.
Occasionally, as part of my job, I get asked to ferry the stars over to the studio. There’s a company car parked out back and Jane and I take it in turns.
I used to love those intimate moments Anton and I had. Do you know, it got to the point where he started calling me by my name, even asking for me in particular. He used to tell me about his posh dinners out with people from the show. I loved hearing all about it. He even started divulging more intimate stuff about his family and said what a god-send I was when the press dug out those shots of his wife and her new lover, naked and tied to a combine harvester by a disgruntled farmer who found them frolicking amongst his sweetcorn. We’d become really close.
When he broke down in tears and asked me to pull over in that layby on the country road to that shindig he was going to, I could tell how distraught he was. He cried into my hair. He was beside himself with grief and it took me an age to calm him down by rubbing his temples and massaging his neck. I’d been on a course whilst I was at Uni and I think I’d got the knack because he seemed to relax his body into mine and I could hear his breathing settle.
I wasn’t sure what to do when he put his hand on my knee cus at first, I didn’t know if it had just flopped there in his relaxed state, but then when he began to run his fingers along my thigh, hiking up my skirt I started to feel all unnecessary.
This was Anton Delaney, Day-time TV Anton Delaney. The same Anton Delaney that had interviewed Barack Obama by satellite and had his back waxed with one of the Hairy Bikers on live TV.
I tried to stop him subtly at first, laugh it off if you know what I mean, but he was resolute, aggressive even as I tried to push him off and ask him to stop. He seemed determined he was going to add me to his list of misdemeanours and I could do little to stop him.
It all happened so quickly, so quickly in fact, that I lost my scrunchy, then he thanked me for being so understanding.
He asked for Jane to ferry him about after that.
I probably wouldn’t have had a chance to speak to him again properly if it hadn’t been for that spike strip I bought online. It punctured the tyres on his Merc really efficiently as he drove out on the same road where he’d…
I knew he was driving himself out that way because Jane came down with that weird food poisoning. Everyone thought I had it too cus I took the same day off.
It wasn’t so easy to get the chloroform. Nor was it easy to sneak in the back of his car whilst he got out to check what had happened, but I managed. He struggled a bit at first but the ethyl-alcohol worked much quicker than I’d imagined.
Getting him into the boot of my Mondeo, wasn’t without some difficulty but I popped him in a shopping trolley when I got to mum and dad’s old cottage, which made the short journey to the basement fairly straight-forward.
His room was all prepared, with his favourite magazines and the original handcuffs with the reinforced chain. I’d even put a tv in there so he could watch the ‘stand-in’ they used on his show, although to be fair, the reception wasn’t up to much.
Three days, Dan Sergeant has been presenting Anton’s show now. He’s fit in a treat. Course Anton didn’t seem too happy when I told him, but you have to have a thick skin in this game.
Talking of thick skin, I think he’ll appreciate these new handcuffs cus they’re a bit smoother on the wrist. They’ve got like a padded weave on the inner side, for comfort. I’ve got him a new memory-foam pillow as well cus he says the other one is giving him neck-ache. I don’t know how much use he’ll get out of it mind. What’s more, I can’t imagine what he’ll think when he sees this new chainsaw. It says here, it will cut through branches up to an inch in girth. It wasn’t the most expensive but I’m on a bit of a budget. Still, it should be more than ample to saw through what I’ve got in mind.
Jules Garvey Welch for Pf Magazine
Categories: Comedy Monologues