Aries (March 21-April 19)
As Olivia Newton-John sang in the 1978 movie of the same name, “Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yippity dip de doom“. Just harmless fun, you may think. Yes, to the less attentive listener. But dig deeper and you’ll see all words lead to DOOM. Be wary this July when a touring musical rides into town, possibly carrying explosives.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Somewhere in the wild sands of the Sahara a man proposes to his girlfriend as a young woman in Bali first glimpses the face of her true love. At the same time by a fountain in Savannah old friends reunite and recall childhood summers, just as you enter Superdrug in York and find that they have Nivea face cream on offer.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
If every picture told a story books wouldn’t need covers, and covers wouldn’t need books. So when people say don’t judge a book by the cover, they really mean you shouldn’t judge one story by another. So, if you decide to cheat on your partner this month and the relationship ends, twist it however you wish… guilt free.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You had been feeling inspired recently, but your creativity has just hit a rough patch – the opposite of a smooth patch. Your energy is low, and you crave relaxation. We all need a breather sometimes, but you’re positively dozing. As I write this I have no expectation of you even reading it, you absolute waste of space.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
A friend of yours, who shall remain nameless, came up to me on Thursday night and said you’ve been considering a big change recently. Something involving volcanic rock and dwarf tinnitus. I’ve no idea what to make of this or which of ‘you’ he/she was referring to but she/he was emphatic that you’d know who you are.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Unless you’ve been living under a rock you’ll have noticed how stiflingly it has been in the United Kingdom recently – though living under a rock is probably no walk in the park. In any case, Virgos are notoriously sun- shy and most at risk from summer blues. Buy a Christmas tree and place fridge magnets on your radiators.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
With your ruling planet Venus keeping a fair distance this month it may be wise to look closer to home for guidance. The stars are usually our most valuable asset in forecasting when there is something in the water, but often we can use common sense too. A hosepipe ban is sure to be here soon: buy plenty of hosepipes.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
It’s been a long time coming, but the day is finally here – a promotion at work! Your pay rise leads to instant domestic bliss. Holidays are booked, the kids spoiled, and old skeletons shut in the closet or swept under the rug. However, an unscheduled visit from a rug salesman uncovers your ten year reign of merciless killings.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Somewhere around the middle of the month you shall get caught in a digger.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn, the tenth sign of the zodiac, represents the tenth stage of human evolution. Capricks yearn for control by virtue of authority, which comes from rules and regulations. Sadly, they are often guilty of over enforcing rules they themselves do not follow or question and are usually in charge of small, regional Tescos.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
Stop hanging around in the same crowd. Stop visiting the same bar. Stop hearing the same conversations from the same people. Stop wearing those old tops. Stop trying to be funny. Stop thinking everything will be ok. Stop waving to your blind neighbour. Stop doing things just because someone else says you should.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
Appearances can deceive. Some fruits should not be eaten. Always be careful not to leave your spare house key under a hedgehog, and did you know the correct name for monkey nuts is in fact monkey ‘testicles’? Anyway, exercise caution when taking your niece to collect that ‘cute pocket rabbit’ you bought her on ebay.
Dr. Pat Cancer for Pf Magazine