As a woman, it’s important to retain one’s youth in order to adhere to society’s vision of beauty. For housewives living on a Waitrose budget, surgery may be a suitable option to nip and tuck your nasty bits. However, those living on a Lidl budget may have to seek alternative solutions.
Before reaching for the stapler for a DIY face-lift, you may wish to consider these five foolproof age-defying looks that will shock your friends and family, and not your accountant.
The Yummy Mummy
Using good quality bandages, simply wrap your torso, extremities, and visage to protect the eyes of the public from your already worn, wrinkling skin.
If you use a particularly strong fabric, you can also fake that hourglass figure of your dreams. Simply breathe in, tie the bandages as tightly as possible, and refrain from both food and drink for the rest of the day to minimise the risk of unravelling.
Pro-tip: when covering the face, make sure to leave holes for the eyes, nose and mouth. While you may wish to hide these problem areas, as they are prone to developing lines, you will still need an ample supply of oxygen to get through the day.
The Pleasant Peasant
People in the Middle Ages were not blessed with longevity, and this look is perfect for fooling others into believing that you are under the age of thirty.
While the humble potato sack is often disregarded, it is a key component of this age-defying look. Hessian is a fabulous, breathable material that is suitable for all weather conditions, as well as being durable for those with active lifestyles. It is easy to source unused burlap sacks, however purchasing a full potato sack to adapt into a dress provides an ample supply of spuds for homemade chips and vodka for carbilicious martinis.
Pro-tip: for a truly authentic look, apply mud to the face to distract from unsightly crows’ feet and sunspots; using a clay-based mud will also help to absorb any excess sebum and detoxify the skin.
The Beautiful Baby
Curious Cases aside, elderly infants are hard to come by. Those truly committed to this look will also enjoy the freedom that comes with wearing a nappy; this look is therefore perfect for festivals and concerts, where the queue for the ladies’ is torturously long after one too many pints of lukewarm Snakebite.
The classic romper also gives you the liberty to sit legs akimbo, and is conveniently designed with pockets. You may be unfamiliar with a pocket, as it is not a common feature in traditional Women’s Fashion; this is because babies have more use for them than women do: baby rompers necessitate pockets for Lego, snacks, and worms.
Pro-tip: to achieve perfectly rouged cheeks, allow strangers to pinch your chubby cheeks. Alternatively, consuming around five large glasses of chilled white wine within an afternoon can help to achieve that gorgeous glow.
The Winsome Wizard
Adopting this look will not only provide a little freedom for your schedule, as wizards are not bound to the restraints of appointment-keeping, but it is one of the best looks for keeping people guessing regarding your age, as it is a truly timeless mode of fashion.
While the cloak will hide your unsightly frame in style, the oversized hat will distract the eye from your fine lines and wrinkles. The bigger the hat, the slimmer the frame; it truly is magical!
Pro-tip: you can “cheat” this look with a fake beard, however, those truly committed may wish to attempt growing out their own facial hair, although wiry whiskers may be a little too sparse to achieve desired results.
The Gorgeous Ghoul
This look is simple, yet effective. Not only will it keep people guessing regarding your age, but it will hide any lumps and bumps and give you the freedom to enjoy an All You Can Eat Buffet without needing to undo a notch or two on your trousers.
For a more summery look, you can always use a floral bed sheet; however, a plain white sheet is perfect for any occasion.
Pro-tip: for the perfect, ghoulish smoky eye, apply a thick layer of pure charcoal around the eyes. This will also help to diminish the appearance of laughter lines, as you can fill in the creases with layers and layers of kohl to create a smooth look.
Bonus: The Handsome Hermit
If the above styles seem a little intimidating, then you may wish to try this truly effortless look, which is perfect for beauty beginners. Simply draw the curtains, remove or cover all reflective glass in your house, and never leave again!
This is a stylish look all-year round, and is customisable with your own choice of dressing gown and endless snacks.
Go on, girls: keep ‘em guessing!
Megan Barnett for Pf Magazine
Illustrations Megan Barnett
(subject to copyright)