It’s happened. You’ve collected your mail only to find a crisp white envelope containing a wedding invitation, and in a moment of foolish optimism, you RSPV’d. First, congratulations on still having friends and family who are willing to interact with you beyond social media. That’s a big deal these days.
Secondly, don’t panic. With this survival guide, you’re sure to be the most memorable part of the wedding. Yes, infamy still counts.
Your first order of business is to make a spreadsheet containing important info on all the eligible bachelors in attendance. Eligible meaning that they have a job, a place to live, and a pulse. Bonus points if they’re under fifty and straight. Try to aim squarely in the middle. You’re not looking for Prince Charming. You’re looking for Prince Meh, I don’t totally hate him.
Next, take great care in choosing your outfit. While common etiquette has always warned against upstaging the bride remember she already has a man. The venue is paid for, relatives are there, and gifts have been accepted. He’s not walking away over a dress. You wear the most come-hither dress you can get away with whilst not being mistaken for a call girl, unless money is tight that is. No judgement.
Also keep in mind that unless you’re emotionally invested in the couple or they’re famous, weddings are often mind-numbingly boring events. Go heavy on the caffeine and the alcohol. This will also lower your
standards inhibitions making it much easier to meet someone new. Anyone. Seriously.
Last but certainly not least have a good time. Weddings are a time to celebrate love, enjoy the company of family, and get wasted while wearing questionable formalwear. Don’t lose sight of what’s important.
Lauren Pathak for Pf Magazine