Aries (March 21-April 19)
We all have that one friend. They don’t text back, they turn up late, or they steal from you. That one buddy who drags you through hell as they blackmail you with your most damaging secrets. Yet, for some reason we can forgive them everything, even aggressive assault with a deadly weapon. Keep being that friend, Aries.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
There is an old saying: “Come June, the birds know where the biscuits are”. And how true that is. As summer sneaks in take time to stop and enjoy your surroundings. Nature, animals, loved ones. Be grateful you’re not in a colder climate, or stuck in a conversation at a party being forced to admit that you made that saying up.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Doctors are often called upon to give bad news. Gemini know this only too well, with 90-95% of you working in the medical profession. It can take a toll on your emotions, not to mention your time. So I have formulated a useful device to impart bad news en masse: Later this month 5-10% of you shall remain in your current job.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Your focus on material possessions has begun to overtake your investment in those around you. The line between living things and material commodities begins to blur mid-June. Things reach a peak when you attempt to grill a toaster within a loaf of bread, then wear a Lasagne to a restaurant and eat your waiter.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
With Mercury Rising on TV later this month you decide to treat yourself to a bottle of cider and a night alone in the park. Memories of happier times with a long departed friend come rushing back. You trace childhood steps down to the old river and that small incline where you pushed the insufferable cow to her watery grave.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You may not think you have magical powers, and you are right. It is time to get serious and put away infantile notions of make-believe and superstition. As an earth sign you must put two feet firmly on the ground because Thursday proves that the here and now can do more for you than some short, vague prediction.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
June is a great month for Librarians to get out of their stuffy hell boxes and meet new people. Who knows, this could be the month where that new girlfriend or boyfriend walks into your life. Or if you’re already in a relationship, maybe a new boyfriend or girlfriend for your other half. Keep an open mind. Cheer up… Christ.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Hello David, I’m sorry I missed your call. I am writing my monthly horoscope at the moment and it needs my full attention. I shall return your call when I have submitted this awful bloody mess to the editor. They work me so hard for so little. I haven’t forgotten about our plan for the badger cull, but everything is on hold until I
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
The key to a good marriage is compromise. If your partner does not agree with this you may be questioning his or her motives. Does he or she really want to share their or there world with you? Are them or they being as giving as you or I need them, or they to be? Talk it through. See what each one or another’s motives our.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Remember your first ice-cream? Your first pony ride? The fresh thrill of a trip to the cinema, or learning that the two names “Ottoman Empire” and “Turkey” were once used interchangeably in Western Europe? There’s nothing quite like the first time. So, take up that picnic offer, accept the diagnosis, and say yes to the dress!
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
Mick Hucknall sang “money money money money”, cleverly building on the sentiment of Benny Andersson and Björn Ulvaeus when they sang “money money money”, itself a simplified retelling of Kander and Ebb’s “money money money money money money money money money money.” All songs to avoid this month.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
A sad reality of a long life, aside from the pitiful degradation of our basic senses, is to see our nearest and dearest shuffle off this mortal foil before us. But, worry not, it seems Pisces have nothing to fear this month. Indeed, June promises to be full of new beginnings. New life? New adventures? Death can wait until July.
Dr. Pat Cancer for Pf Magazine