How To Have A Eurovision Party


Here at Pf Magazine we care deeply about current events and are passionate about keeping readers up to date with all things political. With Brexit on the horizon and global politics constantly on the agenda, we have decided to address an important political issue and one which affects us all; how to have a Eurovision Party…

Get shit loads of alcohol

Alcohol is an essential part of any party.  Especially one where you have to listen to some of the worst ‘songs’ ever known to man. You may wonder why the singing appears to be out of tune from the get-go.  You may start to worry you’re far more drunk than you realised at such an early stage in the proceedings. You’re not, because it is.

Don’t purchase bunting

You might think this constitutes making an “effort” and that you’re a seasoned party planner with a careful eye for detail, stopping at nothing to create the best atmosphere possible for your guests. It doesn’t. It makes you look like a twat.

Don’t be afraid to throw people out

If a guest refers to any song as being “catchy” or God forbid gestures to keep the noise levels to a minimum so he or she can “feel the music”, or tries to comment seriously on a performance, throw them out. Swiftly. If you have already made the catastrophic error of purchasing bunting (please see no. 2 above) all is not entirely lost as you can use it to gag said guest, then throw them out. 

Don’t assume 

One for the men here: don’t assume a female guest wearing an all-red dress well below the knee has come as Cheryl Baker and attempt to rip her skirt off.

‘Assume’ makes an ass out of you and me, and in this case will make her ass on show for all to see.

Women; a note if you do wish to replicate Cheryl Baker’s costume (and the other woman in Buck’s Fizz whose name no-one can remember, nor can I be arsed (no pun intended) to Google. Be sure you have sufficient skills to accomplish such replication or enlist the help of a gifted dressmaker. If not, you could well end up naked. Remember, a stitch in time saves nine, and in this case humiliation. However, doing this could also run the risk of you being placed in the dangerous category of someone making an “effort”, aka a twat, referred to above.

Don’t tweet or email Graham Norton

Don’t get me wrong, we all love Graham Norton, but we’d much rather listen to his candid sarcasm and cleverly disguised as praise critique rather than hear what Ruth and her gal pals from Basingstoke are doing to celebrate this year’s debacle. We already know you have 17 bottles of Prosecco to get through, nibbles galore and a drinking game planned where everyone has been designated a country. Quite frankly, nobody cares (unless you’re on class A drugs, then, by all means, email or tweet, as that’s the kind of stuff we’d like to hear about on BBC prime time).

And finally, and most importantly: 

Don’t vote 

We all know we will be receiving nil points from every other country because we’re hated, and strong reprisal is feared in the light of that Brexit thingamajig. With this in mind we sought comment from Pf’s political correspondent, Tessa May-Knott, on what implications Brexit might have upon the strategic voting process. She explained,

 “Brexit is a new cereal bar isn’t it? I’ve heard good things about it, I’ll put one in my basket on my Ocado app now, I’ll get back to you.”

In any event, don’t vote for the sheer delight of watching whoever they’ve bestowed with the ultimate honour of reading out the UK scores squirm.  This will undoubtedly occur when they have to declare nobody in the entire UK actually voted. This will a) be highly amusing, and b) will save you a small fortune on your phone bill. This means you can then pop your own pack of Brexit in your Ocado basket and see what all the fuss is about.

Emma Deeley for Pf Magazine


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