agony uncle

Ask Uncle ~ May 4th

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Have you found yourself in trouble in the shallow waters of heartache and heartburn? Worry not, let Uncle be your Hasselhoff and whisk you away to safety (swimsuits not included).

 

We start with Diane, 29, from Bognor:

 

Dear Uncle,

I suffer with an embarrassing problem. It is something I have had since I was a teenager. I have bad body odour, and I’m worried that because of this, I will never meet a man, settle down and achieve my heart’s desire of having a family. I’ve tried many things. I shower at least three times a day, I always carry a full can of anti-perspirant with me and of late, I have even tried putting potpourri under my arms. None the less, none of these actions help. I’m too scared to go to the Doctors about this, I worry they will just laugh. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

 

Dear Diane,

You poor thing. Three showers a day? Your water bill must be sky high, crikey. Have you tried cold water to save on the heating bill too? Potpourri? Isn’t that that stuff that looks like dried salad that your granny always has on the sideboard? What does that feel like under your arms? A friend of mine is keen to know.

This is bad. It’s obviously knocked your confidence with the opposite sex. I mean, if my armpits smelt like a tramp’s beard, I wouldn’t go near any woman. Blimey. This reminds me of a documentary I saw the other day. It was about a man who couldn’t smell; it was hilarious.

J


 

Dear Uncle Jeckl,

I came home from work the other day to find my husband wearing my clothes. I must say, that at the time, I couldn’t find it in me to be mad at him, or even surprised. The weird thing was, I found him quite hot in my clothes. That day he was only wearing a skirt and blouse I’d got from Marks & Spender a while back. But since then, he’s stepped it up. What I mean by that is, I actively encourage him to do it as it gets me so hot for him. The second he puts on a pair of my Harem Pants and a Primark top, I’m all over him. I don’t know what comes over me. We even go clothes shopping together now, it’s like I’ve gained a new best friend. Is this wrong? Am I a lesbian? When he’s dressed normally I ignore him like the plague and leave him to his race pigeons.

 

Cynthia, 44, Newport

 

Dear Cynthia,

This is interesting. He’s playing out a fantasy, and you are feeding it to get a sexual kick from it? Hmm. It sounds like your marriage is also in trouble if you must rely on him dressing up to connect on any level. Have you considered how this is making him feel? He must be very confused about this whole hot and cold scenario.

I would suggest you both attend relationship counselling because you’re both seriously bonkers. Yeah, good luck with that. Christ.

J


 

Dear Uncle Jeckl,

Am I a bad parent? I ask this because I have told my youngest daughter (she’s 4) that father Christmas is not real. I did not want her to live in a world already so full of lies. I have also told her that the Easter Bunny is a load of nonsense and that the Moon is not made of cheese and the Tooth Fairy is also a lie. Her silly friends at school fill her head with fantasy garbage. What can I do?

 

Sally, 39, Chepstow

 

Dear Sally,

What do you mean Santa ain’t real? Don’t mess with me, sister. Don’t you dare do this to me. The Tooth fairy is a wondrous individual bringing joy and cash to children all over the world. If the Easter Bunny did not exist, then where do Easter eggs come from? Don’t you dare fill my head with filth. I’m done with you.

J


 

Dear Uncle Jeckl,

I have just started dating a new starter at my office. She’s gorgeous, funny and we have so much in common it’s unreal. She’s amazing at doing impressions of male celebrities; she has me in stitches. I have noticed also that men in the office tend to look at her a lot, which makes me feel great. One thing. When we have shared a few kisses, I have noticed that her chin feels stubbly. I really like this girl; how do I approach her about this? I don’t want to scare her away or upset her, I really think she could be the one.

 

Chris, 29, Dorset

 

Dear Chris,

She’s the one alright. Err…Oh, I can’t.

J


 

Dear Uncle Jeckl,

I went on holiday with my best friend and her family recently. After coming home, I think I have developed feelings for her. I don’t know what I should so. Should I tell her? Does this mean I’m gay? I’m so confused.

 

Neve, 17, Blackpool

 

Dear Neve,

Do whatever your heart tells you to do. Being a gay is quite fashionable nowadays. They even have their own parades and clubs and everything. You’d be able to wear dungarees and Doctor Martins and not look out of place. How awesome is that? This could be so good for you. You may need to shave your head, as I understand this is compulsory, but this is a small detail. Let me know how it goes. I’m sending you my leaflet on coming out. It’s called ‘It’s not natural, it’s trendy’.

J


 

Dear Uncle Jeckl,

 

I need your help. I am fifteen and still at school. A new girl has joined our class this month and I really like her. She’s pretty and friendly and I’d like to ask her out before prom at the end of the term. I’m shy, and I don’t know how to talk to girls. Should I write her a letter telling her how I feel? What should I do?

 

Ben, 15, Middlesbrough

 

Dear Ben,

What is this? Are we in the eighteenth century? Why not ride a horse to her house and regale her with poetry and invite her to take a stroll through the meadows? Come on kid. Just talk to the lass, what’s the worst that could happen? Well, she could say no, screw up her face, turn to her friends and laugh like a witch. You’ll wish the ground would swallow you up as your eyes sting and the threat of tears forces you to run to the toilet and cry for like half an hour. From that day on, you will never be able to live it down and she will always smirk as you pass her in the halls. You’ll get to the end of the term, you’ll go to prom alone with your nerdy friends and end up leaving early and going home to watch Star Trek. This could happen, I dunno…it didn’t happen to me. She was a cow anyway…I love you jenny Brough. Oh Jenny.

J


 

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