What have the stars got in store for you this month? Here you’ll find insight and sound predictions on the things that matter, from love, work, family and love work. Pat Cancer is Dr. of poultry science and has two previous dogs. He is Sagittarius.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
There is no such thing as the perfect date. Aries know this better than most. Your date may arrive late, or get overly eager for a kiss; you might spill their wine or talk too much about malt vinegar. But sometimes, just sometimes, the stars align and throw you a rope. This rope must be used as an absolute last resort.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
With GCSEs looming this can be a testing time for Tourists, who are not often prized for their academic stealth. But fear not, because the planets have your back! A rare collision between Saturn and Jupiter causes a harrowing dent in the cosmos, delaying the progress of mankind and at least the first two written exams.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Geminians are not pack animals, preferring instead to spend time in their own company, or the company of no one at all. However, the month of May forces these antisocial cave trolls out of their solitude and into the spotlight when a hidden camera show leads them blindfolded straight into the heart of a busy cattle market.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
No one could ever accuse Cancervatives of dishonesty: “Does my bum look big in this?” – “Yes.” – “Should I order pudding?” – “No.” – “Are you saying I’m fat?” – “Yes.” – “Do you still love me?” – “I never did.” Sadly, walking a straight honest line has never served the celestial crab well and it’s fishsticks for you all this month.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
In popular culture lions are often perceived as cowards or tight fisted misers, but in reality they are proud, intelligent, fierce creatures with massive teeth – and tails! So, it may not have escaped your notice, Leon that you are not in fact an actual lion… but that stray whisker on your groin is very real, and does need attention.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Now is the time to channel your inner Duncan Bannatyne by investing in some exciting opportunities in the sporting arena. Great heights may be ascended and untold wealth attained, but manage expectations wisely, being ever mindful not to insert your inner Bannatyne into your love life (lest he pulls out of the deal early).
Libra (September 23-October 22)
With Easter behind you, you may be feeling a sense of up-rootedness. After all, between now and the next bank holiday, there is only the interminable trudge of the working day, broken occasionally by the anticipation of an amazon delivery, or a takeaway. Really spice things up this month by ordering an organ donor card.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
It’s hard to imagine that only a hundred years ago humans still walked barefoot and listened to MiniDiscs, but change can come quicker than we think. This month promises to transform your world in small, vital ways which echo through your life for years to come. A lucky horseshoe and pipe may play a part, but I’m not sure.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
A long held suspicion is confirmed as your ex confesses to a steamy affair when you were a couple. You’ve long since moved on and remain friends, but the news leaves you struggling to come to terms with what was an otherwise healthy relationship. Fortunately, she still doesn’t know you double teamed her brother in Fife.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
In Latin days Capricorn was known as Cakus Frutus, the sign of the cake. WIll you rise to the challenge this month? Can you take the heat? Do you crack under pressure? As with all cakes, the proof is in the pudding. So, grease your pan, it’s going to be a crumby few weeks (there is an accident at work and it is your fault).
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
A Ukrainian poncho hand stitched by the bewildered hands of a chicken sexer in Tulsa. A cement mixer frozen beneath the arctic circle. Dean Martin in a flume. Fisticuffs, quarter scale cellos, burning juice bars, femme fatales in the rectory and a Salamander roulade. Now is the time to heal old wounds.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
You don’t have eyes in the back of your head. Whoever told you that you do is a liar, and you should have seen them coming. But what is behind you doesn’t matter. It is time to look ahead and focus all your energy on what is right in front of you. Namely, an untethered Bullmastiff.
Dr. Pat Cancer for Pf Magazine