Here at Pf Magazine we like to keep up with current events. With the imminent arrival of Kate & William’s third-born and fifth in line to the throne, we sent our Royal correspondent, Jackie Union, to St Mary’s Hospital where devout fans of the Royal family have been camped outside the Lindo Wing awaiting news of the birth. Jackie was present when the news broke on Monday afternoon that a Prince had been born and speculation became rife as to what the new Prince would be named.
Tabitha Shoesmith told us, “my head tells me Arthur Charles Phillip but my heart says Kevin Barry Jonquil. My neighbour’s dog is a corgi called Kevin and last week it made a deposit under my prized rhododendron. I was livid at first but Barry next door was ever so good about it; I remember thinking Kevin and Barry are such good, strong names which in my opinion need to come back into fashion. And my rhododendron has never looked so good if I’m honest.”
I then spoke to Alan Dodds, self-confessed number one Royalist, who’d been camping out since the beginning of March. “I think it would be nice if they went along with something connected with Diana…like Diana.” I pointed out that Diana was a girl’s name. Alan explained he had not slept properly for nearly two months and wasn’t even sure of his own name never mind the sex of the baby. “I could have sworn it was a girl; how about Dodi then?” At this point Alan passed out.
Twin sisters, Betty and Netty Windsor (no relation, to the Royals not to each other obviously) are very excited to hear what the name will be. Avid knitters, Betty explained, “I’ve been knitting baby blue matinee jackets and Netty has been knitting baby pink ones, so we’d covered all bases. It’s not a waste of wool as we can just unpick the pink ones and make ourselves a nice cardigan each; we like to wear matching clothes.” Netty said she wasn’t happy to speculate on the name but did say she quite liked the idea of a Prince Donny, being a passionate Donny Osmond fan.
Rose Pike, an amateur psychic, was very keen to speak with us. She was wearing a t-shirt with “it’s a girl” emblazoned on the front. “I knew all along it was a girl from the way Kate was carrying. The thing is Jackie, being a psychic I know these things.” On being reminded that a Prince had been born, Rose explained, “yes they’re saying that but when I read my tea leaves this morning I saw a small phallic pattern, so to me as a professional I know that the only explanation is that the baby is a hermaphrodite. I think they should name the baby Phillip as they can just add an “a” on the end and bob’s your uncle, it covers all angles.”
On overhearing this conversation, Betty looked quite perturbed and asked Netty to get down to the local yarn shop and ask for a hermaphrodite-appropriate neutral-coloured wool ASAP.
With the naming of the Royal baby being announced this morning as Louis Arthur Charles, we sent Jackie back to St Mary’s Hospital where despite Kate, Wills and Louis having long since departed, and the Royal wedding being just over three weeks away and nowhere near Paddington, the campers had decided to stay put for Harry and Meghan’s big day. Psychic Rose was keen to point out the reasoning behind the name. “I knew it; they’ve named the baby Louis so they can just add an “e” onto it should the Royal household decide to raise the baby as a girl. I’m very much looking forward to seeing how this pans out.”
Jackie Union for Pf Magazine