We might have been caught by surprise with the overnight onset of summer last week; but your body doesn’t need to look like it’s just crawled out from a cave after winter hibernation. Here are three handy tips to get that body of yours in tip-top condition by the weekend.
1) For starters, if your feet are resembling a dry, cracked, version of a hobbits and you can’t get an appointment for pedi anywhere from here to the Shetland Isle – Don’t panic – there’s a way to get peachy smooth feet sorted and into those summer sandals without booking an overnight sleeper to Scotland. Start by giving the soles of your feet a once over with the cheese grater, it essentially does the same job as a ped-egg. Use any kind of diy sand paper you have lying around to exfoliate and to get rid of any remaining dead skin.
After this your feet might be red raw, but more importantly they should be silky smooth. Cover with a bit of anti fungal cream, this will eradicate any unpleasant fungal matter lurking after the long dark months of tights, thick socks and boots. That tube of Canesten at the back of your bathroom cabinet is ideal for this. Then moisturise with extra virgin olive oil. Just make sure it’s not garlic or chilli infused, they have the most unfortunate, and entirely different, consequences with a smell that can last for days.
Now it’s time to turn attention to your nails. For those gardeners amongst you long handled secateurs work particularly well at cutting back that winter growth. Paint your nails with any one of the random assortment of nail varnishes that are solidifying in the back of the drawer. If they’re rock solid add some paint thinner or white spirit. I know you don’t think you have any but you do, it’s somewhere in the back of your garage or under the kitchen sink. Failing that, in an emergency, a bit of white gloss woodwork paint works just as well. It adds that continental white polished look and lasts a damn sight longer than the 2 months a couple of coats of regular nail polish does. It might in fact see you through the whole sandal season.
2) Next turn your attention to body hair removal. A beach body must be stripped of every last hair. Thus making it aerodynamic when running along the beach carrying that red paddle board, and socially acceptable when instagramming those compulsory pics of floating legs, imaginary thigh gaps and overhead cleavage shots. Home waxing is a pretty torturous affair, I would recommend using hair removal cream for a quick and instantaneous result.
The easiest way to do this is to slather it over every inch of you from the neck down. That way, under arms, legs (above & below the knee), all pubic hair, including the growth that’s creeping down the thighs and any rogue nipple hairs are taken care of too. If you insist on going for the Brazilian leave a strip of hair. But for goodness sake don’t sit down or move whilst the cream works it’s magic. If you do, you risk finding yourself with a bush reminiscent of an Egyptian hieroglyphic and who knows what ancient message you may unwittingly be giving off. If you want my advice, go for a Hollywood, it makes the whole procedure even simpler.
3) Finally give yourself that all over natural tanned glow. I cannot, in all good faith recommend fake tans any more. The sheer palava of the weird gloved body rubbing, tedious application and patchy streaked results leave me cold. Besides, nothing says failure like a beautiful tanned arm meeting a pasty white hand or a streaked calf meeting a patchy foot. This summer my recommendation is to invest in a tin of Ronseal decking stain. One coat (or 2 if you want that ‘just got back from your holiday’ look) of this all over ensures a smooth and even coverage that will last the whole summer. It has the added bonus of being waterproof and having excellent weather resistance, which, I think we could all use a bit more of at this time of year.
There we have it, 3 quick, easy and cheap ways to get you looking beach ready by the weekend. The only thing you need to worry about is which type of pretentious, middle class, gin you’re going to pick up in order to get through the onslaught of bbq’s you’re invariably going to be subjected to now the sun’s out.